I have been in a spiritual place I never thought I'd find myself in...
In the 20 years since my diagnosis, I've been able to remain mostly upbeat, positive and trust in God's faithfulness and promises.
Even in some of our most stressful times, I've held fast to my faith - it's what saw me through.
Since receiving the latest news, that my cancer, despite treatments, is continuing to grow. The cancer is now terminal. I have to say, I'm just not a big fan of this word.
Although I thought I would be prepared for the day this announcement was made, when the actual words were spoken, I realized just how utterly and pitifully unprepared I truly was/am.
Recently, a friend suggested that I may be experiencing the stages of loss and grief. If you are not familiar with Elizabeth Kuber-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying", the author suggests there are five stages people go through when experiencing loss. Later in her life, she stated that these are the most common stages, not required experiences, and that everyone experiences loss and grief differently.
The five stages are:
1) Denial and Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
Never being one to follow the rules, I have been experiencing these stages in a vastly different order. Some days I can experience all five before I roll out of bed.
* Depression: Pffftttt...my doctor doubled my anti-anxiety meds...I'm cool.
* Denial and Isolation...This one seems to be ongoing. Most days it is much easier to live in a happy land of denial- until the morphine wears off and I'm sharply and rudely snapped back into reality. Isolation is an easy one for me right now. I'm a homebody and hiding from the world right now suits me just fine.
* Bargaining...I began bargaining, begging and pleading with God the moment I heard the word terminal.
**"God, I'm not ready to leave - there's so many things I still want to do - please?"
** "God, I finally have my mom back in my life after 20 years. I'm having a beautiful time getting to know her and I love being with her. Please don't take me away now."
** "God- Jay will be all alone - all he can cook are hot dogs, sandwiches and mac-n-cheese. He'll starve without me. Besides, our lives simply do not work if one of us is missing. We need each other, Lord. Please!"
** "Father, I want to see my nieces and nephews graduate, go to college and get married - all 12 of them. Please let me stay to see this, Lord."
I have bargained...Oh how I've bargained. Early in the morning, during mid-day walks, late at night...."Please Abba, bend low and hear me. Feel the pain in my heart. I love you and I want to be with you, I just need more time here. Please, Abba, please! I've so much left to do and I need lots more time to do it. I'm begging you, please, hear my cries to you!"
Despite the bargaining and pleading, the tumors and pain continue to grow.
Aaaand...That's when anger began. It's actually harder than you may think to be angry with someone you've never seen. It is also rather intimidating - this is GOD - I know he's smited people for this sort of thing. But I figured He already knew my heart so we may as well have a chat.
You know what? When you pace around your house, bawling your eyes out, and shaking your fists at the heavens - you will look like a crazy person. I just hope none of my neighbors saw!
I yelled, I pounded my fists, I shook my fists, I cried...I stopped short of lying on the floor and having a kicking temper tantrum - but I was tempted.
I thought that once I had all of that out of my system, I would feel better and God and I would be cool. WRONG !God was very quiet. I thought - oops, I've gone and done it - prepare for smiting. Turns out this kind of gut wrenching, life and death anger sticks with you longer than you want it to.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't release the anger, nor could I hear God.
Then, an envelope arrived. The envelope that would eventually open my heart and release my anger.
My friend, Robin, teaches 4th grade at Jackson Christian School in Jackson, TN. She told her students about me and my story. She told them about my family and friends coloring their hair and nails teal. One of her students loved the #teallove. Each of her students made a card for Jay and I. Each card contained hand drawn and colored teal ribbons, pink hearts, their sweet message for us and #teallove. I want to share with you the words God spoke through these precious children. It took these words, read over and over again to begin to hear God speaking to me through their child-like faith, and melt my anger.
* Dear Mrs Mandy- I am so sorry for what's happening. I will keep you in my prayers. Here's a verse to help you "Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, the Lord is with you." Joshua 1:9 From: Ty
* Dear Miss Mandy - I am praying for you and let God be with you wherever you go. We all love you Miss Mandy. We hope you feel God's love for you. Miss Mandy: He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3: Love, Makayla
* Dear Miss Mandy- I will be praying for you as you go through this hard time. Sincerely, Cole: But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
* Dear Mrs Mandy: Remember God will always be with you and remember this scripture: Matthew 11:28- Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.-I'm praying for you. God bless you. Sincerely, Mia
^ Dear Miss Mandy: Be strong and courageous do not be afraid, nor dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 - God is always with you. Love, Russ
* And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 - I am praying for you. Maggie
* May God be with you. Psalm 56:3 -At times I am afraid, I will put my trust in thee. Russ
* Dear Miss Mandy: We will all be praying for you. God will always be with you. #teallove "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in Christ." Sincerely, Zack
* Miss Mandy and Mr. Jay: But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31- I'm praying for you. Love, Landon
* Dear Mrs Mandy: I'm praying for you. Remember the power of our God is amazing! "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4- God loves you very much. In Him, Liam
* Dear Mrs Mandy: But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and now grow weary, they will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 - May you have a wonderful rest of your life. Sincerely, Nash
* Dear Miss Mandy: I am praying for you. God is always with you. Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest." God loves you and I am thinking about you. God bless you. Love, Zachary
* Dear Miss Mandy: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5 - Love, Ashley
* Dear Miss Mandy: I've been looking up alot of verses from the bible for you and I think you'll like this one: Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 - Love, Will
* Dear Miss Mandy and Mr Jay: God will always be with you. JCS loves you! "Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 - Mrs Mandy I am so sorry for you. God loves you no matter what happens to you. If you just believe in God everything will be good! I am praying for you. Love, Mara
I cry every single time I read them. The tender encouragement, the heartfelt sentiments, the perfect bible verses all coming from the heart of children.The sweet way all kids in the south call you Miss Mandy and Mr Jay...I love that!! I especially love what Mara said: "If you just believe in God everything will be good!
THIS is the child like faith we are all called to have. No matter what happens, if we trust God, it will all be good.
May we all try and emulate these precious ones in their kindness, love and faith. Thank you Abba, for sending me Your love and reminding me of Your promises through these amazing and tender children.
I still haven't reached the acceptance stage. I'm not sure I will. All I know is that everything will be good!
Blessings,
Mandy
