A friend asked me if I ever thought about "Lasts"...if it were possible to even comprehend.
My answer:
All. The. Time.
With each week that passes, new and worsening symptoms make this journey all the more real. Pain medications have been doubled and still the pain breaks through. Oxygen use has been increased to anytime I am up and about, and frequently when I am resting. Fatigue has greatly increased.
Each time a change occurs, a "Last" occurs as well.
I didn't realize it at the time, but the last time I drove a car was several months ago. Had I understood the significance of that little trip into town, I may have taken the scenic route and just driven around a while longer.
My last vacation was our beautiful trip to Hawaii in April. At the time, we planned to take a few more small trips, including a Christmas getaway to Vegas to see a Cirque show. That is no longer possible.
The last time Jay and I went to dinner, we discussed the possibility that it could be our last date night out. I had a difficult time walking steadily and was quite tired by the end of dinner. Hopefully that will not be our last evening out.
Each visit from friends and family leave me in tears, wondering if this may be the last time we see each other until heaven.
We met with my Doctor this week. Because I am OCD and a nosey Gemini, I again asked about my current progression timeline. She shared with me the information from the chart they use.
She then said, "you know - none of this is an exact science and when it comes down to it - none of us have any control over it."
She encouraged me to work on letting go - letting go of the need to know exactly how and when; letting go of the hyper-analyzing of each new change against the progression chart. She said if I can let go - use my energy in better ways - then this journey will progress exactly the way it is meant to and my level of peace will increase.
Sadly - due to insurance changes - this was my last visit with this precious care giver.
What a beautiful blessing she has been in our lives. She brings me back to focus on what is truly important - spending my energy on people and events that increase my peace, love and joy.
This is no longer a time for OCD planning - I've already done all of that. Now is the time to ensure that if any of the moments I experience are my "lasts", that they are truly well worth the energy expended.
Blessings,
Mandy
