I have been on a very long blogging sabbatical, and well - I've missed y'all!
For the past couple of months, I've dealt with severe anemia and excessive lymph fluid build up. The anemia has resolved on its own very well. The lymph fluid took some finesse. My doctor placed me on a diuretic and in the past month I have lost 70 pounds of fluid. That is not a typo...70 pounds! I was miserable and didn't quite realize how much so until the fluid began leaving. My body was so swollen that I could barely move. Each movement was painful and all I could do was sleep. My body was exhausted. I continue taking the diuretic to avoid the fluid returning. My lymph system is totally broken, and without the meds, the fluid would quickly build back up.
It has officially been one year since I was admitted to hospice. It's been an incredible year, filled with so many ups and downs; love and laughter; tears and doubts, fears and testing of faith. We don't know why or how I have made it through this year. My hospice team has said more than once that they are amazed at what my body has been willing to endure.
My energy level remains low. For the most part, I'm confined to bed. Occasionally, under Jay's watchful eyes, I can walk to the living room and sit in the recliner for a few hours. It's a nice distraction and break from the four walls of the bedroom.
My cancer continues to progress - especially the exposed tumor. This tumor seems to grow before our very eyes. It has become very heavy and is placing pressure on numerous areas - especially my sternum and the base of my esophagus. The tumors in my ribs, on my liver and throughout my abdomen continue to grow and cause a great deal of pain. My hospice team is working very hard to place all the puzzle pieces together and manage the pain. It is a daily battle, but they are patient, kind and determined to make me comfortable.
Jay and I often talk about the "why" behind my long time on hospice care. We've discussed it at length with our hospice counselor and pastor as well. There are a few theories.
* My body has been in "fight mode" for so many years that it doesn't know what else to do.
* God still has plans for me. What they are - we have no idea.
* God has given me a gift of staying with my loves much longer than anticipated.
I don't think we will receive answers this side of eternity. I'm sure that God will reveal the big picture in His own time and in His own way.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9
Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to live well within four walls. I have had a lot of time to think, pray, read and study. This, in itself, has been a gift. Jay and I have had some raw and real conversations about what it is like to be a patient and dying as well as what life is like as a care giver. Both roles are often exhausting and lonely. We have each had many years in these roles, however, this is a completely new and unfamiliar season for us. We have talked about what life may look like for him when I'm gone - life choices he will eventually have to make. I'm so thankful that we can openly discuss these things, hard as they may be.
This season has definitely tested everything we know and are. We have had moments of faith shaken and moments of faith restored. We continue to cling to the hem of His robe and search every day for peace. Some days we really have to search, but it is always there.
