For the past 18 months, Jay & I have been on the world’s largest emotional roller coaster. As you know, we began with a six month timeline. When your life ticket receives a date stamp, life quickly changes. There’s an urgency to accomplish things, say things, do things so your life won’t feel incomplete or unfinished when you reach the appointed date.
Over the course of approximately eight months, I received numerous date stamps. With each new stamp, the emotional and spiritual preparations would begin anew. It’s exhausting, gut-wrenching, soul ripping work. It’s labor-pain wrapped in fear. Even though I just went through this, I had to do it again.
Finally, we both cried out “ENOUGH!”
We’d had enough. Enough of the crap-shoot date stamps. Enough of the letting go emotionally. Enough of the questioning spiritually. Enough of the grief and pain each new stamp brought. We told our doctors and nurses no more guessing, no more date stamping. Only One knows the truth and we chose to trust in His timing.
That doesn’t mean we were allowed to disembark the roller coaster and everything has been smooth. Far from it. Every day brings new reminders that although we don’t know when- there is a date waiting.
We’ve tried every kind of diuretic available to no avail. The lymph fluid continues to build. At the present time I am bed bound and have been for about six months. The swelling has reached the point that I cannot walk or get into/out of bed without assistance. Jay now has to help me with everything. He has been asked to do things no husband should be asked to do. However, he does it all with love, grace and dignity-all while maintaining a sense of humor and as much of my dignity as possible. This has placed him on the fast track to saint hood.
My legs have begun to weep fluid and are so heavy that I cannot lift them on my own. My lungs are collecting fluid and my kidneys are slowing way down.
Lately I have struggled to be able to hear God’s voice and feel His presence. It was suggested to me that the reason God has given me extra time is so that I could repent of some sin in my life or return to a former way of belief
because we chose not to attend a traditional church here in AZ. Truthfully, this shook my faith to its core and has taken me a while to shake off the guilt those words poured over me. Thankfully, my God is bigger than my fear or guilt.
Through several friends (most don’t know those words were said), have spoken love, truth and life over me. As one precious friend wrote, you are free- there is no more sin to leverage.
The enemy was counting on the fact that I would focus more on my sin than on God’s matchless grace. Thankfully, He has a heart so full of love, He refused to allow me to stay in that murky pit and with loving arms lifted me out and set me on solid ground- holy ground.
As each day brings a new set of trials, it also brings new mercies. As Jay and I deal with the daily emotional roller coaster, we pray above all that we will feel His presence, His love and His light. When the pain and grief overwhelm, we pray that He will shelter us under His wing and keep us safely there.
The unknown is truly frightening and death/dying are full of unknown. It’s hard work separating a soul from this life. It’s a painful and scary process. We have to fight to hold onto His truths and His promises. When we feel our faith begin to shake, don’t hesitate - grab onto the hem of his robe and don’t let go. He will protect you - He will save you. He will love you and never let anything break that love bond.
