8,670

8,670 days ago, Mandy slipped a ring on my finger. Today, I slipped it off for the very first time. It wasn't easy, it was emotional and I needed a little coconut oil to help me out. It has made a lasting impression on my finger, the skin is still smooth and indented even 12 hours later. I have discussed the timing with several friends and family about when to take my ring off. Most gave the same response, "you will know when the time is right." I'm not sure that I would ever know, this ring has been a part of me and has represented my commitment to Mandy for the past 23+ years. My love will never end for her, but my commitment to her ended on May 31st. I was confused on what to do, so, I decided to take the ring off this morning, on Independence Day. Don't read too much into this folks, I just chose this day because I felt it was symbolic in some way that Mandy has entered her eternal rest. She no longer has to be dependent on any other human, she is only dependent on her Savior now. It gave me some comfort to look at it this way and to not just have some random day pop up where I would just take it off.

I laid my ring on Mandy's bedside table, right next to her wedding ring. When I shared this picture with one of Mandy's oldest friends, she said "the rings belong together, just like the two of you did!" That was the perfect. Thank you LeAnn, you will never know how much those words helped me this morning. I knew the longer I kept my ring on, the harder it would be to take it off someday. So, I did what I always do, I looked at it logically. What is the purpose of a wedding ring? To show others that you are married? Sure. To represent the love between a husband a wife? Maybe. I have always looked at my ring as a reminder of my vows to Mandy, "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." I hope that I was able to live up to my vows.

So, what do our rings represent now? When I look at them sitting next to each other, they represent a beautiful love story. A love story that ended too soon for both of us, but at the same time it ended in God's perfect timing. These rings represent the good days and the bad days, the mercy and forgiveness that each of us had to give to one another throughout our marriage. Most importantly, when I look at our rings laying next to one another, I see that beautiful day in October, in Flagstaff, AZ, surrounded by friends and family, two young kids saying "I do" to one another, naïve about what the future would hold, not knowing their love story would be cut short. These two kids slipped those rings on each others fingers, starting their life together, not really caring about what the future held, as long as they had each other they would be alright. I was the happiest man alive that day, blessed to be marrying my best friend, the girl that had taken my breath away when I first saw her and would continue to teach me about loving someone more than myself. That's what these two rings represent to me now.

I was amazed to see the lasting impression the ring has made on my finger. But, it is fitting since Mandy has made an even longer lasting impression on my heart and my life. This woman has taught me be to be more compassionate, to have faith in myself, to love God and to have even greater faith in Him, and she has shown me that love is stronger than any other emotion, hands down! I am forever in her debt for the lessons she taught me, for the love she gave me and for the time I was able to spend with her these last 23 years.

It will take time for me to get used to NOT having my wedding ring on, but my role has changed in life and I have to accept that. I have 23 years of memories to remind me of how lucky I was to be "Mandy's Husband", but I also have to continue moving forward. Mandy made me promise not to become a hermit, not to hole up in our house or hide out in the woods, but to go back to living. So, I am doing the best I can to live up to that promise, to get out on occasion, to attend church and bible study, to meet up with friends and colleagues. I miss being able to come home to her beautiful smile and tell her about my day, but I tell her anyways. I tell her when I'm making dinner, or when I go to bed. I tell her when I'm walking the dogs and see a bluebird flitter by and land on a branch near to us. And when I really need to feel her presence, I listen to a very special voicemail that she left me several months ago. I just wish I would have asked her to leave me a thousand more!!!

I also want to thank everyone for all the cards, calls, messages and prayers over the last 5 weeks. They have all been special and it is nice to know so many people are thinking about me and praying for me on a daily basis.

Love, Jay

Brave Wings and Broken Hearts

It was a beautiful sunny day when our "Love Story" began some 24 years ago. Looking back, we were so young but we were in love. Just a year after we were married, Mandy was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We didn't know that this would be a 23 year struggle that would help refine and sharpen our love for one another. As we struggled to understand the "why" in all of this, Mandy decided to start writing thoughts down and her "With Brave Wings She Flies" blog was born. Her beautiful words have touched many hearts, including mine, but she already had mine in the palm of her hand. Mandy made me promise to continue writing her story, and while I feel completely inadequate, I will uphold my promise to her.

May 31, 10:35 p.m. will be imprinted on my mind forever. An hour before, I had attempted to give Mandy some medicine to help her rest, but her breathing had become very labored and I was unable to wake her enough to safely give it to her. I kissed her on the forehead and like every night for the past 24 years said "I love you!" Without opening her eyes, and through crackling breath, she whispered, barely audible, "I love you too." I was exhausted, so I laid down in our bed that is next to her hospital bed and tried to fall asleep. At 10:20, I shot up and turned on the light. Apparently I had fallen asleep, but something woke me. My first thought was that I didn't hear Mandy breathing. I jumped out of bed and ran to her as she struggled to take a breath every 20-30 seconds or so. Our nurse had warned me earlier that day that as the time came close, she could go as long as one minute in between breaths. I called our nurse and told her it was time and she said she would be right over. I watched Mandy take a labored breath while I stroked her hair and kissed her on the forehead again. I went and woke her mom and step-dad and said it was time to come and say goodbye, not realizing that I had witnessed her final breath just moments before. Mandy had left us for her eternal home. As we stood and shed tears for our loss, all I could think about was her running into the arms of Jesus and giving him the biggest hug of her life, with her family and friends that have passed on before her standing by to welcome her home. I was so happy that her struggle was over. I put each of our puppies on her bed and allowed them to smell and give kisses to mom and to understand that she was gone. We (the humans) each took our time saying our goodbyes and then I started notifying family and friends.

My sister, brother-in-law and nephew came over so that Virgil could fulfill Mandy's request of him to perform a cedaring ceremony over her body. We prayed as Virgil performed the ceremony and I personally felt a calming peace enter the room. When they came to take her body away, I was still feeling this calm about me and when asked if I was doing OK, I just said "that was Mandy's shell that was being taken away not Mandy. Mandy had left a few hours ago and was already enjoying her heavenly body.

I finally went back to bed around 3:30 am and succeeded in getting a little sleep. The last several hours were so surreal and as I started the day, I was catching myself trying to act like it was just another day. But, there was one thing missing, one big thing missing, the woman that I had taken care of for the past year and half was no longer there. I didn't need to get her medicine, or make her breakfast, or get her something cold to drink. I didn't have to do anything for her, she was gone. My only task for the day was to go to the funeral home to finalize some paperwork and that was it. I could leave the house without making sure there was someone there to watch Mandy, I could leave and not have to worry about whether Mandy was ok or not. Afterward, I came home and said goodbye to Mandy's family as they headed back to their homes, and it was just me and pups in the house. The silence hit me like a ton of bricks and it was at that moment that I felt my heart crack. I went to get the envelope that Mandy had left for me, and inside were several journals that she had written for me along with 22 cards that she had penned personal notes in for me to open at times she had designated on the envelope. I gently lifted the envelope titled "Open First." My hands trembled as I read the card and on the inside this is what she wrote:

Jay,

Just reading this card has me undone - much less writing in it knowing exactly what it means. I'm in Heaven now. I'm in the arms of Jesus. I'm finally free of cancer & pain; but I'm apart from you. I know it's only for awhile - we WILL be reunited one day! Please know how much I love & adore you. You've been my rock, my lover, my best friend & confidante for so many years. Thank you for loving me well & being my love. Thank you for giving up your life & what you wanted to do for so many years to take care of me. I love you so much & I know that in Heaven, we will love each other differently, but with more perfect, more true love. I will be waiting for you my heart.

All my love,

Mandy

Please pass the tissues! This girl is amazing and I know that her brave wings carried her home last night. The other thing she asked of me on this first night, was to watch the video "When I'm Gone" by Joey and Rory. Again, pass the tissues!

I don't know what the next few days, weeks or months are going to be like, but I know that she is happy and that makes me happy. I know she is pain free, and that makes me jump for joy. I know she is full of peace, and that will be my comfort in the days to come.

Mandy, my Sweetpea, rest easy and know that my love for you is eternal and that I too anxiously await our reunion in Heaven.

Love,

Jay

 

Tired, Weak & Torn

                                                              Tired, Weak and  Torn

This song has been a frequent repeat on my playlist for quite some time now. My favorite version is the one here by Joey and Rory. I'm fully aware that the song lyrics are I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Believe me...I am most certainly worn, but I am also quite torn. Most days, my very being feels as though it is being torn in two. Two directions...

One part of me is exhausted, weary, weak and worn. I've grown so weary of the daily fight and struggle... yet, another part of me is petulantly crossing my arms over my chest, shaking my head and fists, saying, NOPE! Not ready to go yet. These two duke it out on a daily basis.

The bone-tired half is drained just by walking the 8 steps from the bed to the bathroom - and this walk is assisted by Jay holding me up the entire way. The 8 return steps leave me shaking and out of breath for at least 5-10 minutes, then it's another painful 10 minute ordeal to get back into bed. The fluid in my body is so overwhelming that I cannot pick my legs up off the bed by myself - Jay has to pick them up and adjust them for me.

Every fiber of my being is crying out, "this is not living! This is not a life! This is merely existing, and it is a great burden for not only me, but Jay as well.

Then we hear from the petulant and peevish other half, who, with heels dug in, says "it's fine - at least you are here with Jay - at least you still get to see him, get to touch him, still get to hear him talk and laugh. You get to look into those amazing blue eyes and just love him more and more. You will find good in today and that will make it all worth it.

Torn...I am completely  altogether torn. Especially now. For the past few months, Jay has been interviewing for a job appointment with our county. I am so proud to say that he is now the Forest Restoration Director for Coconino County. It is an amazing opportunity for him and he will bring so much wisdom, work ethic and value to this position. The timing, however, is a bit challenging. We are heading into one of the worst fire seasons we've seen in a long time. Jay's position involves plans for thinning and managing our forests to prevent fire and flooding - to say that he will need to hit the ground running, is an understatement. This is not necessarily a bad thing - it just presents challenges.

Jay's previous job was mainly work from his home office, so the past year he's been home to fulfill the caregiver role. We have had kind offers of help, however, this has transitioned into a role that requires medical knowledge as well as some unpleasantness that you just don't ask friends and family to do. This week we will be interviewing some home health companies to assist in the care giving while Jay is working. I must admit, it is a very uncomfortable transition for me. I am an easily mortified person, so maintaining my dignity is a big priority. My prayer is that we can find the right combination of care to manage the changes that are surrounding us.

We have been shown time and again that God's timing is perfect. This is where BIG Faith and BIG Trust come into play. You simply cannot make the soul transition any faster than it wants to.
We must remember that God alone is the author, perfecter, and finisher of our story. He knows what we need to be able to handle the twists in our story. He will ensure that whatever happens will ultimately be for His glory and we are privileged that our story can be part of that. We now see dimly, however, one day, we will be able to clearly see the whole big beautiful picture He's been painting for us this whole time.

Blessings,
Mandy

Free Indeed

For the past 18 months, Jay & I have been on the world’s largest emotional roller coaster. As you know, we began with a six month timeline. When your life ticket receives a date stamp, life quickly changes. There’s an urgency to accomplish things, say things, do things so your life won’t feel incomplete or unfinished when you reach the appointed date.

Over the course of approximately eight months, I received numerous date stamps. With each new stamp, the emotional and spiritual preparations would begin anew. It’s exhausting, gut-wrenching, soul ripping work. It’s labor-pain wrapped in fear. Even though I just went through this, I had to do it again.

Finally, we both cried out “ENOUGH!”
We’d had enough. Enough of the crap-shoot date stamps. Enough of the letting go emotionally. Enough of the questioning spiritually. Enough of the grief and pain each new stamp brought. We told our doctors and nurses no more guessing, no more date stamping. Only One knows the truth and we chose to trust in His timing.

That doesn’t mean we were allowed to disembark the roller coaster and everything has been smooth. Far from it. Every day brings new reminders that although we don’t know when- there is a date waiting.

We’ve tried every kind of diuretic available to no avail. The lymph fluid continues to build. At the present time I am bed bound and have been for about six months. The swelling has reached the point that I cannot walk or get into/out of bed without assistance. Jay now has to help me with everything. He has been asked to do things no husband should be asked to do. However, he does it all with love, grace and dignity-all while maintaining a sense of humor and as much of my dignity as possible. This has placed him on the fast track to saint hood.

My legs have begun to weep fluid and are so heavy that I cannot lift them on my own. My lungs are collecting fluid and my kidneys are slowing way down.

Lately I have struggled to be able to hear God’s voice and feel His presence. It was suggested to me that the reason God has given me extra time is so that I could repent of some sin in my life or return to a former way of belief
because we chose not to attend a traditional church here in AZ. Truthfully, this shook my faith to its core and has taken me a while to shake off the guilt those words poured over me. Thankfully, my God is bigger than my fear or guilt.
Through several friends (most don’t know those words were said), have spoken love, truth and life over me. As one precious friend wrote, you are free- there is no more sin to leverage.
The enemy was counting on the fact that I would focus more on my sin than on God’s matchless grace. Thankfully, He has a heart so full of love, He refused to allow me to stay in that murky pit and with loving arms lifted me out and set me on solid ground- holy ground.

As each day brings a new set of trials, it also brings new mercies. As Jay and I deal with the daily emotional roller coaster, we pray above all that we will feel His presence, His love and His light. When the pain and grief overwhelm, we pray that He will shelter us under His wing and keep us safely there.
The unknown is truly frightening and death/dying are full of unknown. It’s hard work separating a soul from this life. It’s a painful and scary process. We have to fight to hold onto His truths and His promises. When we feel our faith begin to shake, don’t hesitate - grab onto the hem of his robe and don’t let go. He will protect you - He will save you. He will love you and never let anything break that love bond.

Finding Comfort

Hospice originally meant a rest house for travelers- for pilgrims.
As a traveler, having a place to stop and rest before continuing to our destination is a beautiful haven. Having a place to rest, re-group and review our final journey plans is a comforting gift.
Not everyone has the opportunity to experience hospice care.  For those fortunate enough to be able to, it is the gift of comfort, rest and grace during the final phase of our journey.

“This is as good as it will ever be.”, I was told last week. Good to know- hard to hear - needed to hear. I don’t want the facts danced around or dressed up to look better than they are.
FACT: I’m dying.
FACT: It sucks.
I was told that because I’m young, my body will give out before my soul does. (They were referring to my internal drive to keep going, not my soul that will fly home to be with God.) My soul says I’m young, I’m not finished with all I want to know and see and do. However, my body, that has been wracked with cancer for many years, can only take so much.
I can actually feel the tug-o-war taking place between the two.

I’m growing weary, my pain is constant yet managed. I live in a fog of pain medication and fatigue. I’m bed bound with exception of the few times a day Jay helps me to the bathroom.
I’m thankful for hospice as I complete my journey. I’m forever grateful there are people who will say, “I’m going to be with you every step of the way. We will figure this out together.” As they work to manage my pain and symptoms, they tell me to do whatever I want/can do. If you want to sleep all day, do it. If you want to stay up and watch movies all night, do it. Gummy bears for dinner? If that’s what you want, do it.
This part of the journey isn’t about chemo regimens, strict diets, and last ditch efforts to stop the cancer. It isn’t about schedules, doctor appointments, meetings, surgeries, blood draws or transfusions. It’s about being as comfortable in as many ways possible. Cancer is far from comfortable-the key is finding what is comforting despite the cancer and decline. Here is what I’ve found comforting lately:
* Easy to read devotionals. My brain fog causes a lack of the ability to concentrate, so easy reading is great.
* Food Network-big shocker to anyone who knows me. I can doze in and out and not really miss anything.
* Laughter- nowadays laughter can be hard to come by. Everything seems so serious. Managing pain, lymphedema, and all manner of random drug side effects and new/worsening symptoms seem to take up most of our energy. So, when something strikes that makes us laugh, oh, it is as if the heavens have opened and presented us with the most marvelous gift. I vote for less seriousness and more laughter.
* Snuggling, sleeping, snoring shih tzus. Our babies give us a great deal of comfort. They sleep with me most of the day and just their presence is comforting.
* Texts and emails from family and friends. Just notes dropped here and there to say I love you. I know I’m not alone, I know I have prayers and love and light flowing toward me always.
* Holding hands with Jay. This simple act has always been a great comfort to me. It gives me strength and peace.

Hospice- a place to stop, rest and find comfort while on your pilgrimage. A group of people willing to walk with you as you take your final steps. A group of people who open their hearts and allow you in so they can help carry you, if need be, on this last path of your journey.

Rest easy, rest comfortably. We will help you figure this out.

Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Up with the sun-time to begin another day. Time to work and earn a living...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Making her coffee just the way she likes it. Preparing her breakfast and handful of morning medications...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Washing dishes, cleaning the house. Doing the laundry and making the beds...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Stopping your workday to make her lunch and ensure she has everything she needs...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Walking, feeding, bathing the dogs...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Preparing dinner, cleaning up and getting things settled in for the evening...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Dressing changes and wound care. Managing the ever changing medications. Endlessly exhausting trips to the bathroom and helping her back into bed... E,ven when you don’t feel like it.

Grocery lists, grocery shopping. Target, Walmart and Sprouts...Even when you don’t feel like it.

Drying tears, easing melt-downs, gently comforting fears and grief... Even when you don’t feel like it.
               
Most days are so hard , all you want is ESPN, hot wings and some quiet time.
Instead, you say that one day, you will wish you could do these tasks for her just one more time.        
So, weary as you are, you do it all... Even when you don’t feel like it.          

Blessings
Mandy

                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Clumsy & Cancer

Sunday night, one of the things we dread & fear most happened.

Jay was changing our bed linens & I decided to get something from our closet across the room. I simply was not paying attention. It only took a moment-a split second to change the course of an entire night...week...who knows how long...

My right foot became entangled in the bedding on the floor & in an instant I was face down on the ground crying & writhing in some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Immediately, Jay was on the ground next to me trying to assess the damages. All I could do was whisper “help us Jesus. Please help.” I couldn’t breathe & it took several minutes for jay to be able to roll me over to check the tumor situation. He noticed blood on my clothes & called our hospice to send someone out. After several more minutes Jay was able to get me into the bed & begin to see what tumor damage we were dealing with. He began unwrapping bandages & dressings & each layer was blood soaked. We truly feared the worst. The tumor, which measures approximately 8” across x 6” top to bottom. It sticks out of my abdome at least 6”, has surprisingly delicate tissues. As Jay removed the final dressing layer I heard him say “thank you God!” The bleeding had completely stopped. This has never happened before. With the amount of blood soaking the dressings, Jay truly thought he would be dealing with a fatal bleed. As Jay cleaned the tumor, the mantra on his lips was “thank you God!”

The nurse arrived as Jay was finishing the tumor cleaning. She assessed my vitals & damages. My back was bruised & swollen & I was still having a difficult time breathing. My ribs & area surrounding the tumor were very painful. My knee was bruised & swollen. Thankfully nothing appeared broken.

The adrenaline began to wear off & I began to shake uncontrollably. While the nurse went out to get ice packs, Jay put blankets in the dryer so I’d have warm blankets to combat the shivering & ice packs.

My back & knee are still very painful & not tolerating much in the form of bearing weight. Jay escorts me whenever I need to get up.

Today, we met with my nurse. For the past few weeks, we’ve been dealing with an increase in lymphedema fluid building up. We have increased the dose of diuretics, however, they haven’t proven helpful yet. My lower body is quite swollen with fluid & now the upper & lower lobes of my right lungs have fluid in them.

It’s been a very trying week, but the words on our lips continue to be “thank you God...thank you Jesus !” No matter how great the pain, we cannot ignore His hand of protection covering us.
I have always said that when my time come to fly away home, I want it to be a peaceful event. Thinking that it may end traumatically Sunday night really frightened me & Jay.

So, for now I’m only allowed out of bed with assistance & ice packs are my new bff’s. Clumsy & Cancer are a bad combination!

Blessings,
Mandy