This World is Not My Home....Passing the Blog Baton

When I read Hebrews 9:27 and see that it is appointed for man to die...I think..I can comprehend that. The truth is, that it feels so far into the future and it is so non-specific, it is easy to acknowledge and ignore.

When my Doctor and Nurse both agree they feel I have a certain number of days remaining, it becomes much more specific, yet no easier to comprehend. I would think that being this close, I would be able to wrap my head around it, but I cannot.

We live our lives "knowing" way in the back of our minds, that, unless Jesus returns first, we will all die. However, until you are given an actual timeline, it rarely feels real. Heck, even when you are given the timeline, it still doesn't feel quite real. 
I have no way of truly grasping this concept. One moment I think I have peace and understanding and in the blink of an eye, that all shatters and I am left staring down at the broken shards, wondering what to do.

What I truly want, as I see this life and realm fading, is for the heavenly realms to open and reveal themselves - giving me a glimpse of what awaits me. I can only imagine what that would be like, but, faith doesn't ask me to believe in what I see, faith asks me to believe in the unseen promises.

Jay and I discussed pain levels a few days ago while talking about pain medications. We realized that I have not had a pain free day in over 20 years. I cannot even fathom what no pain feels like - it is truly all I know.

I thought about the dramatic difference I would feel once I reach heaven - no pain, no sorrow, no fear - all GONE, thanks to JESUS!

I have decided to start thanking and praising Him now for the mercies He will give me when I meet Him.  20 years of pain traded for an eternity of perfection - the least I can do is be thankful and praise Him.

This will most likely be my last blog. My swollen body is beginning to ebb. I find myself sleeping more and more. I have a hard time focusing on even small tasks. Even writing this, I have dozed off a couple of times. 

I want to thank each of you for reading our story and for responding with such love and compassion. Jay and I are forever grateful for each of you.

Jay has agreed to take over the blog for me. He is an incredibly gifted writer and will faithfully keep you all posted as our story and journey continue to unfold.

May God bless and keep each one of you in His strong arms of love always.

Blessings,
Mandy

Walking Me Home

Yesterday we met with Dr. Monroy - the Hospice Doctor. She's extremely kind and calm. She thoroughly explains things. We made the decision a few weeks ago, to just see the Hospice Doctor instead of having a Palliative Care Doctor and a Hospice Doctor. Too many docs and things were getting a bit muddled. 

                                                            Nurse Stacy

Yesterday, we discussed new symptoms and possible treatments. I'm experiencing pretty severe lymphedema in my legs and feet. We tried lasix a few weeks ago, however, my potassium bottomed out and caused some serious side effects. We may be able to try a more mild diuretic in the future. We will also try a newer type of banding than the compression socks. We are praying something works - this stuff is miserable. I weighed yesterday and in two weeks, I've gained 12 pounds of fluid. If the banding or diuretics do not work, the fluid will become too much for the tissues to bear, and will begin to weep through the pores in my legs.  Yep - it is gross....Cancer is gross!!

                                        Jay & Lisa helping with my compression socks

There are a couple of possible reasons for the lymphedema. It could be due to the tumor burden in my abdomen that has basically "broken" my lymph system. It could also be a possible blood clot in my pelvis. There are no treatment options available for either. If it is a blood clot, the treatment would be blood thinners, however, the large abdominal tumor has begun some bleeding episodes again, and we cannot risk the use of blood thinners.

                                                                My Heart

We have had some wonderful visits the past couple of months. Mark and Carolyne came out for a couple of days then spent some time in Sedona. They were set to come back to stay with us a few days, however, Carolyne caught a nasty cold and the decision was made for them to head back home rather than risk infecting me.

                                                            Steiners' Visit
Jay's family has made several day trips up to see us and Jay's mom spent a few days with us. It was a blessing having her here when my potassium levels bottomed out - having a nurse on hand 24/7 was great. 
My Mom came up and spent a few days here. She gave me foot rubs, and we spent time laughing and crying and telling old stories.

                                                                  Foot Rubs
Ginger was here last week - as always, we spent much time crafting and just enjoyed being together.

                                                     Laughing with Ginger

My Dad, Charla and Somer will be here next week. Somer recently got engaged so we cannot wait to browse through bridal magazines and Pinterest!

All the visits bring so much love and joy to our lives. We enjoy the time we are able to spend together while I am awake and coherent and able to enjoy their company.

My Doctor explained to us there are a few ways my disease may progress:
a) symptoms could slowly increase and my health could steadily and slowly decrease. This means more suffering for me, however, it would be much easier for my family.
b) quick decline: this would be easier for me, yet harder for my family. 
We are hoping for a combination: slow enough to gather my tribe around me and quick at the end. That's not too much to ask.
c) If it is a blood clot, the decline could be instantaneous. My Doctor told Jay that should it happen that way, to remember that although it will be more difficult for him, it is one of the easiest ways for dying to happen.

                                                          Out for a Stroll

With the lymphedema, it is now very difficult to walk and the fatigue is steadily increasing. I nap often during the day and find myself dozing off and not being able to focus on tasks because I'm too sleepy.

                                                            Blog Writing

We have now reached a noticeable point where my tribe is walking me home. Every day as I edge closer to the door of heaven, my tribe walks near to my side. They love me with foot rubs, crafting time, sweet conversations, laughter, tears and grace. 
These people have never wavered in their love, compassion and willingness to do whatever is needed to gently ease our burdens. Our lives would not be the same without them.

Blessings,

Mandy

Joey+Rory - In The Garden (Live)

HOPE

Since this is my 3rd dance with the "C" word, the closing of my life isn't a completely foreign concept to me. With each new recurrence, surgery and treatment plan, death was always a real possibility.

So - with 20+ years of staring down the barrel of death, why am I so surprised by my feelings of shock, anger and grief? One word - HOPE.

Each new attempt at outsmarting the cancer cells, each new infusion of poison designed to eradicate, each meeting with the best oncologists in the country afforded us a new measure of Hope.

Hope kept death at bay; Hope allowed us to view new scars as a warrior's badge of courage; Hope allowed us to accept each new toxic cocktail being pumped into my body as an eventual life source.

Hope was able to mask the fear that gripped our hearts and Hope allowed us to dream of a sweet future where we grow old together and cancer is just an unpleasant, distant memory.

Now - that Hope is gone. The cancer cells proved to be sneakier and smarter than the treatments. No amount of poison, surgery or PhD's hanging on an office wall were able to outwit them.

Now, we have a new Hope. A different and better Hope. Instead of physical healing, our Hope is for emotional and spiritual healing. Healing from the grief, anger and sadness that have become part of our days. Hope that God will show us mercy through suffering. Hope that good will come of our story. Hope that our lives and our home will be sheltered under His peaceful wing. Hope that, despite our circumstances, His presence and golden glow can be felt by all who enter our lives.

Hope that when Jesus says my time here is completed, that He will greet me with arms wide open and welcome me into an eternity of walking with Him through the gardens of paradise.

Hope that when I'm gone, His sweet, peaceful presence will cover my tribe in love. Hope that they will have happy memories to focus on and that laughter will quickly replace sorrow.


Blessings,
Mandy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HEART

I have been honored to know and love this remarkable man for 22+ of his 46 years. Here are a few things you should know about Jay:

                                              Rocky Mountain National Park

My boy is wicked smart! He loves to read and is constantly absorbing and learning new things. He adores God's word and is especially fascinated with the Jewish life and nature of Jesus.

When Jay loves someone - it is forever and always. He loves deeply and completely. He is fiercely protective of those he loves.

Jay is a naturally gifted athlete. He picks up sports ridiculously easy (so easy it borders on annoying for those of us not athletically gifted). He loves baseball, basketball, skiing and swimming. When not playing sports, he loves to watch sports...all sports. He has an amazing knowledge of most sport - I've told him he should have been a sports announcer.

Jay is happiest when outdoors. From the time he was a toddler, he just wanted to spend his days outside exploring. Camping and hiking are his two favorite ways to spend time. The man is part mountain goat - he can out-walk and out-hike most people half his age.

                                                         Smoky Mountains

Jay loves music - all types. I have never seen a more eclectic compilation on I Tunes before. Music speaks to him in a way few other things can. It calms him, centers him and focuses him. He can remember song lyrics from the most random and obscure songs. I've always said, if I want him to remember something important, I need to sing it to him.

Jay is an "old soul". He was born old. He has always been mature and reasonable. He didn't go through the ridiculous, rebellious teen issues most of us did. While the rest of us were acting like morons, Jay was working and being a responsible person. He is level-headed and extremely diplomatic. The perfect compliment to my sarcastic, say-anything personality.

                                                                   Maui

Jay is an amazing caregiver. He can give shots, do dressing changes, manage wound care. He can walk at a sloth-like pace around nurses stations for hours on end. He can sleep on those hideous hospital room sofas and reach over to silence the IV alarm without opening his eyes. He knows his way around hospitals better than most of the employees. He can shave a Mohawk into your hair before it all falls out. He is a gate-keeper, knowing when to allow visitors and when I need rest. He is a chef, a housekeeper and a grocery shopper. He is a pharmacist and apothecary.

If I had all the time in the world, I couldn't tell you all the amazing things about Jay. The most important of all is his love. His love for his Savior, his love for his family and friends. His love for his wife that has never wavered. 

My Heart - I wish for you a day filled with only goodness, laughter and love.

All my Love,

Mandy

My Circumstances...His Truths

        Hearing and believing God's truths are not reliant on my circumstances.

This is the lesson He has recently been teaching me. Attempting to search for contentment anywhere outside of Him is useless. 

I recently entered a season of jealousy and discontentment. These feelings are unlike anything I've ever known - and I deeply dislike them.

I would see and hear people casually planning their days, weeks, even years - giving no thought as to whether or not they will see those plans fulfilled. I watched the lives of others from the sidelines and found myself overwhelmed with emotions. I viewed seemingly picture perfect lives and longed for a time when planning a life and a future were a real possibility. Planning our next travel adventure; building our dream cabin in the mountains; retirement options; growing old together and enjoying our lives long into our golden years. 

Now, we are simply attempting to capture as much life and living as possible in a very short amount of time and within a very limited space. The envy and discontent would rear their ugly heads when I viewed the lives of others through the lenses of my grief and sadness. Deep down, I understood that everyone has struggles and that no life is perfect.  Real life, daily life is usually messy and completely filter-free. It looks nothing like Facebook and Instagram photos. It's so easy to put all of the beautiful, filtered images out there for people to see. I am definitely guilty of this. The challenge is allowing others to see real life - the un-perfect, messy, beautiful lives that we all live. 

Once I opened my heart to God and honestly shared with Him, I realized that I was choosing to believe a Chrome-filtered lie. Ashamed, I stepped back. I had allowed my peace and contentment to become dependent not only on my circumstances, but on the outward surface of life. I realized that I was wasting precious time and energy - that's what the enemy wants. Waste all of the time I have left on things that take my heart far away from God. The more I focus on the outward surface, the harder it becomes to see the glory of God that surrounds me in so many ways. Looking beyond this life and into the next life - our REAL, TRUE life, is what will keep me connected to the heart of my Abba Father and only then will I understand and obtain true contentment and peace. 



Blessings,
Mandy

When I am Weak, He is Strong

...When I am weak, He is strong...

His strength is magnified through my weakness;
His love shines through my pain;
His joy is illuminated through my grief;
His peace radiates through my uncertainty

How? How is this even possible?
In the gut-wrenching middle of my pain and sorrow, His strength and glory shine? I certainly do not feel shiny in those moments. I feel lost, hopeless and often abandoned.
The golden glow of His presence often feels far away. 
Thankfully - His love, strength and presence are not contingent upon my feelings. In circumstances of sadness and pain, my feelings are not reliable. Feelings of despair and abandonment are actually lies the enemy uses to assure me that God has stepped away and left me to face the darkness and hopelessness on my own. Listening to those lies only ushers in fear, which blinds me to the real truth.
Regardless of what I feel, the truth is this...

* God will never leave me.
* God's love is everlasting.
* Nothing can separate me from God's love.
* God is aware of my circumstances and He cares a great deal.
* God hurts when I hurt.
* God records each of my sorrows and tears.
* God will send His golden glow of peace - often in unexpected ways.
* God's presence surrounds me - I only have to look past this work and into the heavenly realms.

Finding his truths and His peace are not reliant on my circumstances. Troubles here are momentary but my life with Him will be forever. His strength is the all sustaining force that will keep us focused on truth, not lies.

Blessings,
Mandy