Lately & shamefully, I have been kvetching my limitations.
The edema-the build up of fluid - has returned. This means, I’m pretty much bed bound. I can walk/stand about 5 minutes before the pain & shortness of breath overtake me. The fluid is slightly building in my lower lungs, so any activity leaves me gasping for air.
In my 23 years of being married, this is the first time I haven’t decorated for Christmas. Christmas has always been a big deal in my home. Growing up, cutting down the tree & decorating was a fun family affair. Andy Williams, Perry Como, Bing Crosby & the like wafted from our stereo on a daily basis.
When I had my own home, my decorating grew exponentially each year, until finally, no corner of my home was safe.
Jay was the Christmas Sherpa- hauling boxes & totes in & out of the attic & garage for a solid week while I fluffed garlands, wrapped trees with lights, arranged & rearranged mantles & tables. Excessive? Probably. But I adored it.
Last year, I was a couple of months into hospice during the holidays. Carolyne was here & helped me decorate. This year I was lamenting not being able to do any decorating much less my usual level.
My Jay, however, had other plans. On Friday he decorated the large storage building that is in my view when I look out my window. He then put up & decorated a beautiful tree for the bedroom & even hung the stockings. It’s perfect!
Not many men would recognize their wife’s love of Christmas & spend the time to make her smile/happy cry. That’s the kind of man I married. He figures out what will make me smile & focuses his attention on that. The fact that he worked all week, pulled Thanksgiving together & really just wants to veg out in front of a game doesn’t matter. This will make his bride happy so this needs to be done.
Sacrificial love. We are all called to practice it, yet few actually can or do. While the world teaches us to look out for #1, Jesus teaches us to have a servants heart & think of others more highly than you do of yourself. This is what Jesus calls us all to do- Love God & Love People.
Sacrificial Love- may we all have the opportunity to serve someone in this way this week.
Blessings,
Mandy
Monday, November 27, 2017
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Humility 101
Humility 101
Professor - Amanda Smith, PHD (Permanently Humble Disciple)
Student - Jay Smith
It's been a busy time for me lately. I have been working 60+ hours a week, caregiving for Mandy and basically cooking and trying to keep the house in order. I have been slightly lax in that last item, so today I planned to clean the house. Vacuum, mop, dust, bathroom (yuck!) and laundry.
Now, if any of you know Mandy very well, she is OCD when it comes to cleaning her house, and she always kept it clean. If any of you know me, I am the typical "guy" who can walk by dirt for a week and never even notice it. So, when this morning came around, I got up, made Mandy some coffee and a breakfast sandwich for both us. We ate together in the bedroom, then when finished, I got up and complained about having to start cleaning the house.
Need a tree cut down and cleaned up in your yard, I'm your man. Need leaves or needles raked, driveway shoveled (or snowblown) I'm the guy for you. If it involves power tools and makes lots of noise, I am all over it. But, when it comes to cleaning, I have a hard time doing a "deep clean" like Mandy does. I mean, do I really need to move EVERY tchotchke when dusting! There must be over a hundred in our house.
Anyhow, when I sighed and announce that I was going to start cleaning the house, class began. Mandy said that she would give anything to clean today. She said "I miss cleaning." At first I thought she was joking, but I could see it in her eyes, she would rather be cleaning our house than being stuck in a hospital bed in our room. Wow, I felt about 2 inches tall as I started vacuuming the floor. It only took about 2 hours to get everything finished, some of her OCD has rubbed off in the last 23 years folks, so the house wasn't a complete pigsty, c'mon people, I am not an animal!
Then, as I finished cleaning, I took a load of laundry out of the dryer and put it on Mandy's bed and she started folding it for me. The girl actually THANKED me for letting her help. That's like 400 level Humility (for all you college people) and I wanted to tell the professor her teaching material was over my head.
So today, I moved every figurine when I dusted, I scrubbed extra hard when I mopped the floor and I even took my time when cleaning the toilets making sure that I made my professor proud. When all was said and done and I announced that I was finished, the professor took a deep breath and with a smile said "I love the smell of a clean house!" Well, I love when the my professor smiles, so the lesson was heard and I was a better student for it.
Sometimes I forget what it must be like to NOT be able to do the simplest things in life like cleaning your house, but today, that lesson was brought back to my attention and I am blessed to have a humble teacher to remind me of these little things. She has had to give up doing the things she loves and relies on others to help her. There are times when I know she feels guilty that I have to "take care" of her after I have worked all day, but I keep telling her that the time will come when I will wish that I could just take care of her for one more day.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6.
Jay
Professor - Amanda Smith, PHD (Permanently Humble Disciple)
Student - Jay Smith
It's been a busy time for me lately. I have been working 60+ hours a week, caregiving for Mandy and basically cooking and trying to keep the house in order. I have been slightly lax in that last item, so today I planned to clean the house. Vacuum, mop, dust, bathroom (yuck!) and laundry.
Now, if any of you know Mandy very well, she is OCD when it comes to cleaning her house, and she always kept it clean. If any of you know me, I am the typical "guy" who can walk by dirt for a week and never even notice it. So, when this morning came around, I got up, made Mandy some coffee and a breakfast sandwich for both us. We ate together in the bedroom, then when finished, I got up and complained about having to start cleaning the house.
Need a tree cut down and cleaned up in your yard, I'm your man. Need leaves or needles raked, driveway shoveled (or snowblown) I'm the guy for you. If it involves power tools and makes lots of noise, I am all over it. But, when it comes to cleaning, I have a hard time doing a "deep clean" like Mandy does. I mean, do I really need to move EVERY tchotchke when dusting! There must be over a hundred in our house.
Anyhow, when I sighed and announce that I was going to start cleaning the house, class began. Mandy said that she would give anything to clean today. She said "I miss cleaning." At first I thought she was joking, but I could see it in her eyes, she would rather be cleaning our house than being stuck in a hospital bed in our room. Wow, I felt about 2 inches tall as I started vacuuming the floor. It only took about 2 hours to get everything finished, some of her OCD has rubbed off in the last 23 years folks, so the house wasn't a complete pigsty, c'mon people, I am not an animal!
Then, as I finished cleaning, I took a load of laundry out of the dryer and put it on Mandy's bed and she started folding it for me. The girl actually THANKED me for letting her help. That's like 400 level Humility (for all you college people) and I wanted to tell the professor her teaching material was over my head.
So today, I moved every figurine when I dusted, I scrubbed extra hard when I mopped the floor and I even took my time when cleaning the toilets making sure that I made my professor proud. When all was said and done and I announced that I was finished, the professor took a deep breath and with a smile said "I love the smell of a clean house!" Well, I love when the my professor smiles, so the lesson was heard and I was a better student for it.
Sometimes I forget what it must be like to NOT be able to do the simplest things in life like cleaning your house, but today, that lesson was brought back to my attention and I am blessed to have a humble teacher to remind me of these little things. She has had to give up doing the things she loves and relies on others to help her. There are times when I know she feels guilty that I have to "take care" of her after I have worked all day, but I keep telling her that the time will come when I will wish that I could just take care of her for one more day.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:6.
Jay
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Living Well Within Four Walls
I have been on a very long blogging sabbatical, and well - I've missed y'all!
For the past couple of months, I've dealt with severe anemia and excessive lymph fluid build up. The anemia has resolved on its own very well. The lymph fluid took some finesse. My doctor placed me on a diuretic and in the past month I have lost 70 pounds of fluid. That is not a typo...70 pounds! I was miserable and didn't quite realize how much so until the fluid began leaving. My body was so swollen that I could barely move. Each movement was painful and all I could do was sleep. My body was exhausted. I continue taking the diuretic to avoid the fluid returning. My lymph system is totally broken, and without the meds, the fluid would quickly build back up.
It has officially been one year since I was admitted to hospice. It's been an incredible year, filled with so many ups and downs; love and laughter; tears and doubts, fears and testing of faith. We don't know why or how I have made it through this year. My hospice team has said more than once that they are amazed at what my body has been willing to endure.
My energy level remains low. For the most part, I'm confined to bed. Occasionally, under Jay's watchful eyes, I can walk to the living room and sit in the recliner for a few hours. It's a nice distraction and break from the four walls of the bedroom.
My cancer continues to progress - especially the exposed tumor. This tumor seems to grow before our very eyes. It has become very heavy and is placing pressure on numerous areas - especially my sternum and the base of my esophagus. The tumors in my ribs, on my liver and throughout my abdomen continue to grow and cause a great deal of pain. My hospice team is working very hard to place all the puzzle pieces together and manage the pain. It is a daily battle, but they are patient, kind and determined to make me comfortable.
Jay and I often talk about the "why" behind my long time on hospice care. We've discussed it at length with our hospice counselor and pastor as well. There are a few theories.
* My body has been in "fight mode" for so many years that it doesn't know what else to do.
* God still has plans for me. What they are - we have no idea.
* God has given me a gift of staying with my loves much longer than anticipated.
I don't think we will receive answers this side of eternity. I'm sure that God will reveal the big picture in His own time and in His own way.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9
Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to live well within four walls. I have had a lot of time to think, pray, read and study. This, in itself, has been a gift. Jay and I have had some raw and real conversations about what it is like to be a patient and dying as well as what life is like as a care giver. Both roles are often exhausting and lonely. We have each had many years in these roles, however, this is a completely new and unfamiliar season for us. We have talked about what life may look like for him when I'm gone - life choices he will eventually have to make. I'm so thankful that we can openly discuss these things, hard as they may be.
This season has definitely tested everything we know and are. We have had moments of faith shaken and moments of faith restored. We continue to cling to the hem of His robe and search every day for peace. Some days we really have to search, but it is always there.
For the past couple of months, I've dealt with severe anemia and excessive lymph fluid build up. The anemia has resolved on its own very well. The lymph fluid took some finesse. My doctor placed me on a diuretic and in the past month I have lost 70 pounds of fluid. That is not a typo...70 pounds! I was miserable and didn't quite realize how much so until the fluid began leaving. My body was so swollen that I could barely move. Each movement was painful and all I could do was sleep. My body was exhausted. I continue taking the diuretic to avoid the fluid returning. My lymph system is totally broken, and without the meds, the fluid would quickly build back up.
It has officially been one year since I was admitted to hospice. It's been an incredible year, filled with so many ups and downs; love and laughter; tears and doubts, fears and testing of faith. We don't know why or how I have made it through this year. My hospice team has said more than once that they are amazed at what my body has been willing to endure.
My energy level remains low. For the most part, I'm confined to bed. Occasionally, under Jay's watchful eyes, I can walk to the living room and sit in the recliner for a few hours. It's a nice distraction and break from the four walls of the bedroom.
My cancer continues to progress - especially the exposed tumor. This tumor seems to grow before our very eyes. It has become very heavy and is placing pressure on numerous areas - especially my sternum and the base of my esophagus. The tumors in my ribs, on my liver and throughout my abdomen continue to grow and cause a great deal of pain. My hospice team is working very hard to place all the puzzle pieces together and manage the pain. It is a daily battle, but they are patient, kind and determined to make me comfortable.
Jay and I often talk about the "why" behind my long time on hospice care. We've discussed it at length with our hospice counselor and pastor as well. There are a few theories.
* My body has been in "fight mode" for so many years that it doesn't know what else to do.
* God still has plans for me. What they are - we have no idea.
* God has given me a gift of staying with my loves much longer than anticipated.
I don't think we will receive answers this side of eternity. I'm sure that God will reveal the big picture in His own time and in His own way.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9
Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to live well within four walls. I have had a lot of time to think, pray, read and study. This, in itself, has been a gift. Jay and I have had some raw and real conversations about what it is like to be a patient and dying as well as what life is like as a care giver. Both roles are often exhausting and lonely. We have each had many years in these roles, however, this is a completely new and unfamiliar season for us. We have talked about what life may look like for him when I'm gone - life choices he will eventually have to make. I'm so thankful that we can openly discuss these things, hard as they may be.
This season has definitely tested everything we know and are. We have had moments of faith shaken and moments of faith restored. We continue to cling to the hem of His robe and search every day for peace. Some days we really have to search, but it is always there.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
"bleeder!"
Note: Some contents not suitable for the faint of heart when it comes to blood.
Saturday, June 17th, 2017 was a rough day. It started out like our usual days lately with Mandy resting in bed until about 11:30 or 12:00. I wake her up to take her medicine and make her a fried egg sandwich to start her day. She comes out to the living room and hangs out and watches some t.v. Her dad and step-mom were here, so she was trying to stay awake longer to be able to visit with them. By 2:30 or 3:00 she will normally take a nap until 5:00, and on this particular day we grilled hamburgers and made tater tots, so she was up and able to enjoy dinner. After dinner, Mandy was ready for bed, so she went to bathroom to get ready and next thing I knew she was calling me to help her with a "bleeder."
Let's take a step back in time for a moment. Almost two years ago, the tumor in Mandy's abdomen had grown enough to show up as a golf ball size lump in her abdomen. The doctors at CTCA suggested radiation to see if it would shrink the tumor since chemo was no longer working. We were waiting for the radiologist when the nurse came in and was talking to Mandy about her tumor and said that if the tumor kept growing, it could actually break through the skin. Mandy's eyes got big and she made up her mind right then and there that she would zap that sucker to keep it from doing that! The radiation did not shrink the tumor, but may have "slowed" the growth for awhile, however, about a year after the radiation, the tumor made its debut to the outside world. Ta-da! At first, it was just a small hole, but the hole kept getting larger. Once it reached the size of about a dime, we experienced our first "bleeder." Mandy was in the shower and started yelling for me, as I came in, all I saw was blood everywhere. All over her, all over the shower, it was a scene right out of Psycho! I got a towel over her tumor to control the bleeding and got her dressed and we raced to the ER. I just knew she was going to bleed to death before I could get her there. Once there, it continued to bleed a small stream of blood all through triage. The nurses worked fast and got us back to a room quickly. The doctor came in reading her chart with a puzzled look on his face. Typical doctor, he had never experienced this, so he was excited to take a look. Unfortunately for him, but fortunate for Mandy, the bleeding had finally stopped. It had lasted for over an hour at that point and I was figuring they would need to do a blood transfusion. The ER doc chuckled and said that she didn't really lose that much blood. He said comparatively speaking, this is nothing to what he has seen when it comes to blood loss in the ER. Well, to a Forester, it was a major loss of blood! Little did I know what was to come.
These bleeding episodes continued about every week for several weeks and as with most things cancer related, Mandy and I grew accustomed to it and learned how to handle them on our own for the most part, but still had to go to the ER a few more times when we couldn't get the bleeding to stop on our own. The last time we went, the bleeding lasted 2 hours. It looked like a pin hole in a balloon full of water, except it was a vein in a tumor, full of blood.
Mandy decided to try radiation again last July and August to see if it would help with these "bleeders," and it did. After radiation, Mandy decided to go onto Hospice, and after a couple of months the tumor growth began again and we started to learn the term "fungating tumor." Without going into detail, a fungating tumor is a tumor that has broke through the skin and you actually get to see the tumor exposed. This brought on the "learning how to do wound care" part of being a caregiver so that it would not get infected. Not sure what this says about doctors and nurses, but every time one of them looked at the tumor, and they ALL wanted to look at it, they commented about how "good" it looked. Well, as the tumor continued to grow, veins would come to the surface and then retreat, but since the veins and the surrounding tissue is so fragile, they would sometimes break open and bleed. That's when the term "bleeder" became a regular part of our vocabulary. "Hey honey, we got a bleeder" or "got another bleeder" were words I dreaded to hear. It meant getting Mandy into bed to where I could put a cloth diaper (we discovered this wonderful tool on our own) on it until I could get it to stop bleeding. Then, I would clean the tumor and put a new dressing on it and wrap it up to secure it all. On a real fun night, we would get a bleeder, get it stopped, cleaned up and a new dressing, just to have it start bleeding again. At this point, we were getting so used to blood, that we didn't even blink an eye at it. We just went through the motions and took care of it. That is until Saturday night.
"We have a bleeder" was all I remember Mandy saying. When I walked into the bedroom, there was blood running all over her. She was getting into bed but the cloth diaper she had couldn't contain all the blood. I grabbed some more diapers and our basket of "tumor cleaning supplies" and started to do my normal routine. After we soaked through the first 5 diapers, I started to get a little worried. By diaper 15, I was out of diapers and really getting worried. The tumor had been bleeding for about 20 minutes now. I looked around and grabbed some Depends guards that we use to "pad" the tumor normally. I started putting them on the area of the tumor that was bleeding and watched them soak up blood rapidly. After about 7-8 pads getting soaked, I new I had to do something. Normally the "bleeder" slows down, loses pressure and clots itself, but not tonight. I grabbed some military grade blood stopper cloth, the kind they use on the battlefield to help stop soldiers with bullet wounds from bleeding out, I cut several pieces of it and started putting them at the spot where the blood was coming from. It immediately soaked through two pieces, so I took the top one off and put a third one on. After about 5 minutes, we lifted our last diaper and thanked God that the bleeding was finally slowing down. Another 5 minutes and the bleeding had stopped. An hour and fifteen minutes had gone by and this time I knew Mandy had lost a lot of blood. After about 30 minutes, we stood her up to try to get her blood soaked pajamas off and she almost passed out. We laid her back down, called the Hospice nurse and waited. Her blood pressure was 110/49 with a resting hear rate of 115. Her body was trying to compensate for the blood loss. The nurse estimated she lost at least a pint of blood if not a little more. I vote for the "a little more!"
Mandy was white as a ghost and started having more pain around the tumor following the "bleeder." Between the pain and the anxiety that goes along with it, she is taking a lot of morphine and Ativan. It is now 4 days later, and she has yet to leave the bedroom. I have to help her up to get to the bathroom (about 5' away from her bed) and it takes everything she has to get back into bed. When I wake her up to take her meds, she can hardly keep her eyes open and when she tries to ask me a question about my day, more often than not, she falls back asleep while I am answering her. Now, I know I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but it starts to give a guy a complex. Seriously, this one scared us both. Enough so, that we have discussed how another episode like this could be her last.
Why tell you all of this? Well, for one thing, Mandy wanted to keep everyone updated so that as you say your prayers on our behalf, you know specifically what to pray for. And secondly, I wanted to let people know that whatever situation you are in, God is faithful to get you through it. I told Mandy afterwards that I had to go into nurse/patient mode during all of that or I would not have been able to handle it. If I had looked at her as my beautiful wife, literally bleeding to death, I don't think I could have figured out a way to stop the bleeding. About 30 minutes afterwards, while I was waiting on the nurse to show up, the adrenaline started going away and I started shaking. I thanked God for getting me through this and for helping me find a way to stop the bleeding. I didn't pray to God while it was happening, I didn't call on His name, but I didn't have to. He was right there with me, keeping me calm and clear minded. It is a great comfort knowing that even when I am not focused on God, He is focused on me!
Please keep Mandy in your prayers. Jay.
Saturday, June 17th, 2017 was a rough day. It started out like our usual days lately with Mandy resting in bed until about 11:30 or 12:00. I wake her up to take her medicine and make her a fried egg sandwich to start her day. She comes out to the living room and hangs out and watches some t.v. Her dad and step-mom were here, so she was trying to stay awake longer to be able to visit with them. By 2:30 or 3:00 she will normally take a nap until 5:00, and on this particular day we grilled hamburgers and made tater tots, so she was up and able to enjoy dinner. After dinner, Mandy was ready for bed, so she went to bathroom to get ready and next thing I knew she was calling me to help her with a "bleeder."
Let's take a step back in time for a moment. Almost two years ago, the tumor in Mandy's abdomen had grown enough to show up as a golf ball size lump in her abdomen. The doctors at CTCA suggested radiation to see if it would shrink the tumor since chemo was no longer working. We were waiting for the radiologist when the nurse came in and was talking to Mandy about her tumor and said that if the tumor kept growing, it could actually break through the skin. Mandy's eyes got big and she made up her mind right then and there that she would zap that sucker to keep it from doing that! The radiation did not shrink the tumor, but may have "slowed" the growth for awhile, however, about a year after the radiation, the tumor made its debut to the outside world. Ta-da! At first, it was just a small hole, but the hole kept getting larger. Once it reached the size of about a dime, we experienced our first "bleeder." Mandy was in the shower and started yelling for me, as I came in, all I saw was blood everywhere. All over her, all over the shower, it was a scene right out of Psycho! I got a towel over her tumor to control the bleeding and got her dressed and we raced to the ER. I just knew she was going to bleed to death before I could get her there. Once there, it continued to bleed a small stream of blood all through triage. The nurses worked fast and got us back to a room quickly. The doctor came in reading her chart with a puzzled look on his face. Typical doctor, he had never experienced this, so he was excited to take a look. Unfortunately for him, but fortunate for Mandy, the bleeding had finally stopped. It had lasted for over an hour at that point and I was figuring they would need to do a blood transfusion. The ER doc chuckled and said that she didn't really lose that much blood. He said comparatively speaking, this is nothing to what he has seen when it comes to blood loss in the ER. Well, to a Forester, it was a major loss of blood! Little did I know what was to come.
These bleeding episodes continued about every week for several weeks and as with most things cancer related, Mandy and I grew accustomed to it and learned how to handle them on our own for the most part, but still had to go to the ER a few more times when we couldn't get the bleeding to stop on our own. The last time we went, the bleeding lasted 2 hours. It looked like a pin hole in a balloon full of water, except it was a vein in a tumor, full of blood.
Mandy decided to try radiation again last July and August to see if it would help with these "bleeders," and it did. After radiation, Mandy decided to go onto Hospice, and after a couple of months the tumor growth began again and we started to learn the term "fungating tumor." Without going into detail, a fungating tumor is a tumor that has broke through the skin and you actually get to see the tumor exposed. This brought on the "learning how to do wound care" part of being a caregiver so that it would not get infected. Not sure what this says about doctors and nurses, but every time one of them looked at the tumor, and they ALL wanted to look at it, they commented about how "good" it looked. Well, as the tumor continued to grow, veins would come to the surface and then retreat, but since the veins and the surrounding tissue is so fragile, they would sometimes break open and bleed. That's when the term "bleeder" became a regular part of our vocabulary. "Hey honey, we got a bleeder" or "got another bleeder" were words I dreaded to hear. It meant getting Mandy into bed to where I could put a cloth diaper (we discovered this wonderful tool on our own) on it until I could get it to stop bleeding. Then, I would clean the tumor and put a new dressing on it and wrap it up to secure it all. On a real fun night, we would get a bleeder, get it stopped, cleaned up and a new dressing, just to have it start bleeding again. At this point, we were getting so used to blood, that we didn't even blink an eye at it. We just went through the motions and took care of it. That is until Saturday night.
"We have a bleeder" was all I remember Mandy saying. When I walked into the bedroom, there was blood running all over her. She was getting into bed but the cloth diaper she had couldn't contain all the blood. I grabbed some more diapers and our basket of "tumor cleaning supplies" and started to do my normal routine. After we soaked through the first 5 diapers, I started to get a little worried. By diaper 15, I was out of diapers and really getting worried. The tumor had been bleeding for about 20 minutes now. I looked around and grabbed some Depends guards that we use to "pad" the tumor normally. I started putting them on the area of the tumor that was bleeding and watched them soak up blood rapidly. After about 7-8 pads getting soaked, I new I had to do something. Normally the "bleeder" slows down, loses pressure and clots itself, but not tonight. I grabbed some military grade blood stopper cloth, the kind they use on the battlefield to help stop soldiers with bullet wounds from bleeding out, I cut several pieces of it and started putting them at the spot where the blood was coming from. It immediately soaked through two pieces, so I took the top one off and put a third one on. After about 5 minutes, we lifted our last diaper and thanked God that the bleeding was finally slowing down. Another 5 minutes and the bleeding had stopped. An hour and fifteen minutes had gone by and this time I knew Mandy had lost a lot of blood. After about 30 minutes, we stood her up to try to get her blood soaked pajamas off and she almost passed out. We laid her back down, called the Hospice nurse and waited. Her blood pressure was 110/49 with a resting hear rate of 115. Her body was trying to compensate for the blood loss. The nurse estimated she lost at least a pint of blood if not a little more. I vote for the "a little more!"
Mandy was white as a ghost and started having more pain around the tumor following the "bleeder." Between the pain and the anxiety that goes along with it, she is taking a lot of morphine and Ativan. It is now 4 days later, and she has yet to leave the bedroom. I have to help her up to get to the bathroom (about 5' away from her bed) and it takes everything she has to get back into bed. When I wake her up to take her meds, she can hardly keep her eyes open and when she tries to ask me a question about my day, more often than not, she falls back asleep while I am answering her. Now, I know I'm not the most interesting man in the world, but it starts to give a guy a complex. Seriously, this one scared us both. Enough so, that we have discussed how another episode like this could be her last.
Why tell you all of this? Well, for one thing, Mandy wanted to keep everyone updated so that as you say your prayers on our behalf, you know specifically what to pray for. And secondly, I wanted to let people know that whatever situation you are in, God is faithful to get you through it. I told Mandy afterwards that I had to go into nurse/patient mode during all of that or I would not have been able to handle it. If I had looked at her as my beautiful wife, literally bleeding to death, I don't think I could have figured out a way to stop the bleeding. About 30 minutes afterwards, while I was waiting on the nurse to show up, the adrenaline started going away and I started shaking. I thanked God for getting me through this and for helping me find a way to stop the bleeding. I didn't pray to God while it was happening, I didn't call on His name, but I didn't have to. He was right there with me, keeping me calm and clear minded. It is a great comfort knowing that even when I am not focused on God, He is focused on me!
Please keep Mandy in your prayers. Jay.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Conversations.......
It's been awhile since we posted anything and we wanted to give a quick update and to share some of our conversations.
Mandy's cancer has continued to show progression and is causing her to sleep as much as 18 hours in a day. We have had several visitors the last few weeks and Mandy has enjoyed the visits and feels bad that she has to sleep so much. Her tumor is still growing and pushing upward into her diaphragm causing her to get short of breath anytime she has to get out of bed or out of her chair. Her tumor was bleeding a lot causing her to become anemic which caused a lot of concern from our nurse. However, the last couple of weeks, the tumor has stopped bleeding heavily which has allowed Mandy to get her iron levels back up and to feel a little better.
Over the last 20 years of fighting cancer, Mandy and I have had countless conversations about life and more recently about death, and we would like to share some of them with you, so here goes.....
Miracles - Early on this was a regular topic of conversation, between Mandy and I and the countless number of people praying for her. Funny word "miracle", does it refer to someone being completely healed from a disease, or does someone surviving 4 times the expected lifespan after diagnosis count? Our conversation lately has revolved around the idea of being healed completely and what that would be like. On the one hand, Mandy and I could continue our love story and experience more things together. But in Mandy's words, "I'm not sure if I would want to have to experience this "dying" thing again." We discussed how both of us have focused less on a miracle and more on Mandy's hope of heaven and having no more pain, and more importantly, being in the presence of the Almighty. Have we given up on God? On the contrary, we are putting our complete trust in His promise. I do not want to experience my wife's death, but seeing her suffer in pain and struggle to even get out of bed, I find comfort in the promise of heaven.
Speaking of Heaven - We talk a lot about heaven! What will it will be like, will Mandy get her own baby sloth when she gets there? Looking forward to seeing loved ones that are there, and all those people that she will meet for the first time. What will it look like? How wonderful it will be to no longer have any pain whatsoever!!!!!! There are more questions than answers, but the hope of heaven is enough.
Wanting to stay, wanting to go - Mandy has a strong will to live, maybe the understatement of the year! Even in her pain and struggle, I can see it in her eyes. I would have given up a long time ago, but she keeps fighting. But, within that fight, I see a longing for it all to end. For the peace that comes with heaven. She struggles with leaving me alone, with her parents having to deal with losing a child, with not being able to see season 11 of the Big Bang Theory! I struggle with this also. I want to grow old together. I think about all the things I will miss about her being here and all the laughs we could have. Then I watch her face grimace as her tumor shoots pain throughout her body. I see her struggle to walk due to the lymphedema and how she gasps for breathe just from walking fifteen feet and I think how selfish it is for me to want her to be here longer. She will be in a much better place once she leaves this world, and I will find peace in that.
Death/Dying - Wow, I never thought I would spend as much time talking about this at our age, but here we are and we talk about it a lot. What will dying be like? We have read several hospice books trying to learn what dying will be like, but only determined that each person dies in their own special way. I have concluded that I can either accept it and be there to help Mandy or I can deny it and miss out in the last moments I will get with her this side of heaven. I choose to be there for her! Mandy has said on numerous occasions that "dying is hard work!" For the last 6 months, we have been given several timelines for her life expectancy, from 3-4 months to 1-2 weeks to even "just a few days" at one point. It was explained that her health would most likely stay at a certain level and then go down quickly. Well, Mandy has done just the opposite. She has had to endure a slowly growing tumor, fluid build-up in her legs and abdomen, the struggle with breathing and having to give up doing just the smallest of tasks. She spends most of her time sleeping and wonders at times "what am I even doing here?"
Life after Mandy - This is one of the tougher conversations for me. Mandy has made me promise not to become a hermit. I have to keep interacting with people, and not just the people behind the counter at Jimmy Johns! I can't sit around all day watching sports and eating wings in the dark, she said. We have two fur babies that have to be taken care of after all. I have told her that one of my concerns is that I will become a workaholic to keep my mind busy. Frankly, I'm not sure how I will react or how I will "handle" myself, but I do know it will be difficult and that I will miss her so much. Beyond that, I have let Mandy know that I will be OK, I will think of her often and probably cry every time I see a bluebird. I see a lot of hiking in my future, I can be in my happy place and do something that Mandy and I loved to do together, explore new places.
Appreciation - I told Mandy the other day that I didn't appreciate her enough in all the things she did for me throughout our marriage. She worked a full-time job, planned and cooked almost all our meals, cleaned the house and basically took care of me. Now it's my turn to do the same for her and I have realized how hard it is! It is a privilege to take care of Mandy and even though there are times when I am exhausted and just want to sit down and relax, I know that one day I will wish for one more day of getting her medicine, or washing her hair, or getting her dressed. I would challenge every husband out there to observe their wives and see all that they do for you, and then do those things for her for one month. I guarantee that at the end of that month, you will have a deeper love for your wife and appreciate all that she does for you and hopefully will continue to help out going forward.
I am glad that Mandy and I have felt comfortable discussing some very uncomfortable topics, but we both are determined to "experience" this part of our lives together. Trust me, there have been times when I would like to ignore that my wife is dying and try to act like nothing is happening, but if I did, I would be missing out on precious time that I will never get back.
We are so thankful for all your thoughts and prayers on our behalf and thanks for listening in on our conversations.......
Love you all......Jay
Mandy's cancer has continued to show progression and is causing her to sleep as much as 18 hours in a day. We have had several visitors the last few weeks and Mandy has enjoyed the visits and feels bad that she has to sleep so much. Her tumor is still growing and pushing upward into her diaphragm causing her to get short of breath anytime she has to get out of bed or out of her chair. Her tumor was bleeding a lot causing her to become anemic which caused a lot of concern from our nurse. However, the last couple of weeks, the tumor has stopped bleeding heavily which has allowed Mandy to get her iron levels back up and to feel a little better.
Over the last 20 years of fighting cancer, Mandy and I have had countless conversations about life and more recently about death, and we would like to share some of them with you, so here goes.....
Miracles - Early on this was a regular topic of conversation, between Mandy and I and the countless number of people praying for her. Funny word "miracle", does it refer to someone being completely healed from a disease, or does someone surviving 4 times the expected lifespan after diagnosis count? Our conversation lately has revolved around the idea of being healed completely and what that would be like. On the one hand, Mandy and I could continue our love story and experience more things together. But in Mandy's words, "I'm not sure if I would want to have to experience this "dying" thing again." We discussed how both of us have focused less on a miracle and more on Mandy's hope of heaven and having no more pain, and more importantly, being in the presence of the Almighty. Have we given up on God? On the contrary, we are putting our complete trust in His promise. I do not want to experience my wife's death, but seeing her suffer in pain and struggle to even get out of bed, I find comfort in the promise of heaven.
Speaking of Heaven - We talk a lot about heaven! What will it will be like, will Mandy get her own baby sloth when she gets there? Looking forward to seeing loved ones that are there, and all those people that she will meet for the first time. What will it look like? How wonderful it will be to no longer have any pain whatsoever!!!!!! There are more questions than answers, but the hope of heaven is enough.
Wanting to stay, wanting to go - Mandy has a strong will to live, maybe the understatement of the year! Even in her pain and struggle, I can see it in her eyes. I would have given up a long time ago, but she keeps fighting. But, within that fight, I see a longing for it all to end. For the peace that comes with heaven. She struggles with leaving me alone, with her parents having to deal with losing a child, with not being able to see season 11 of the Big Bang Theory! I struggle with this also. I want to grow old together. I think about all the things I will miss about her being here and all the laughs we could have. Then I watch her face grimace as her tumor shoots pain throughout her body. I see her struggle to walk due to the lymphedema and how she gasps for breathe just from walking fifteen feet and I think how selfish it is for me to want her to be here longer. She will be in a much better place once she leaves this world, and I will find peace in that.
Death/Dying - Wow, I never thought I would spend as much time talking about this at our age, but here we are and we talk about it a lot. What will dying be like? We have read several hospice books trying to learn what dying will be like, but only determined that each person dies in their own special way. I have concluded that I can either accept it and be there to help Mandy or I can deny it and miss out in the last moments I will get with her this side of heaven. I choose to be there for her! Mandy has said on numerous occasions that "dying is hard work!" For the last 6 months, we have been given several timelines for her life expectancy, from 3-4 months to 1-2 weeks to even "just a few days" at one point. It was explained that her health would most likely stay at a certain level and then go down quickly. Well, Mandy has done just the opposite. She has had to endure a slowly growing tumor, fluid build-up in her legs and abdomen, the struggle with breathing and having to give up doing just the smallest of tasks. She spends most of her time sleeping and wonders at times "what am I even doing here?"
Life after Mandy - This is one of the tougher conversations for me. Mandy has made me promise not to become a hermit. I have to keep interacting with people, and not just the people behind the counter at Jimmy Johns! I can't sit around all day watching sports and eating wings in the dark, she said. We have two fur babies that have to be taken care of after all. I have told her that one of my concerns is that I will become a workaholic to keep my mind busy. Frankly, I'm not sure how I will react or how I will "handle" myself, but I do know it will be difficult and that I will miss her so much. Beyond that, I have let Mandy know that I will be OK, I will think of her often and probably cry every time I see a bluebird. I see a lot of hiking in my future, I can be in my happy place and do something that Mandy and I loved to do together, explore new places.
Appreciation - I told Mandy the other day that I didn't appreciate her enough in all the things she did for me throughout our marriage. She worked a full-time job, planned and cooked almost all our meals, cleaned the house and basically took care of me. Now it's my turn to do the same for her and I have realized how hard it is! It is a privilege to take care of Mandy and even though there are times when I am exhausted and just want to sit down and relax, I know that one day I will wish for one more day of getting her medicine, or washing her hair, or getting her dressed. I would challenge every husband out there to observe their wives and see all that they do for you, and then do those things for her for one month. I guarantee that at the end of that month, you will have a deeper love for your wife and appreciate all that she does for you and hopefully will continue to help out going forward.
I am glad that Mandy and I have felt comfortable discussing some very uncomfortable topics, but we both are determined to "experience" this part of our lives together. Trust me, there have been times when I would like to ignore that my wife is dying and try to act like nothing is happening, but if I did, I would be missing out on precious time that I will never get back.
We are so thankful for all your thoughts and prayers on our behalf and thanks for listening in on our conversations.......
Love you all......Jay
Friday, April 21, 2017
Roller Coaster
An Enigma...The Exception to Every Rule...
These are what Jay and my nurse Stacy have recently called me.
In August, I was given six months. In September, that changed to three months. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, certain I wouldn't see much of the new year. In March, I was given one month. We've surpassed the one month timeline. We have all been subjected to an emotional roller coaster and my hospice team is rather befuddled right now.
I am grateful God has allowed me more time than we anticipated. I'm so blessed to be spending time with precious friends and my family. We've had "real" talks that included many tears and much laughter. I've seen several beautiful snow storms and crossed many items off my short bucket list.
Because my time is limited, I have worked on being more open and real with people. There are many parts of this journey that have flat-out sucked. Normally, I would never say that. I would just smile through it and say it's okay. I've been able to express to God and others that I don't really think this is all okay. It is not okay to make my husband a young widower...it is not okay to make my parents out-live their daughter...it is not okay that we have all been through an emotional wringer more times than we can count. It is not okay - IT SUCKS!
You know what? God gets it. He really does. This was not His plan. His plan was paradise - Eden. His plan was to walk among His creation, talking with them and enjoying a beautiful close relationship with them. Well - we humans messed it up but that didn't stop Him from loving us deeply. The circumstances we face may be horrible, life-alteringly sad and devastating, but that shouldn't change our love for God.
God loves us so greatly that He couldn't bear the thought of being separated from us. Imagine that! The same God who placed the planets in the universe and spoke our world into being, loves us so much, He wants to be with us always.
There's just one problem - sin. We sin-we're all sinners. It's a sad fact. It's also a fact that God cannot live in the presence of sin - hence the eviction of Adam and Eve from Eden.
God had only one choice - an agonizing choice, but the ONLY way you and I could be reunited with Him and live in His presence now and forever in heaven. He needed a perfect, spotless sacrificial lamb to take the place of our disgusting sin. The only one capable of this task - His one and only Son, Jesus. So God sent Jesus here, knowing full well what He was sending Him to do.
Throughout His entire life, Jesus showed us love, light and life - perfectly and without a single sin.
Jesus also knew the reason His Father sent Him here - to face down a punishment that was meant for me and you.
After hours of agonizing prayer, begging and pleading for God to find another way - to find another answer to our sin problem, He knew that He must be faithful to His Father's will. Instead of fleeing from the fear of this, He laid down on that cross willingly. As he hung there, every sin of every person then, now and to come, was placed on Him. Jesus - the perfect lamb of God was now being held in place with spikes and all of our foul, repulsive and rotten sin was being cast on Him. It became too much for the Father to witness.
When Jesus died and rose again - our salvation was set securely. Through His supreme act of faith, obedience and love, when we accept His precious gift of salvation, He removes our sins from us. Now, when God sees us - He sees the blood of His beautiful Son washing us clean. We can now be pure and clean in the presence of God.
Don't allow your circumstances to dictate how you see and feel about God. Allow your faith and love for God to dictate how you handle your circumstances.
Apparently, my timeline is a complete mystery. I asked a friend why God wasn't ready for me yet. She replied "you may not be ready for heaven yet." There may be more refining God has planned for me, or there are plans unfinished that He needs me to accomplish. Either way, the One who knows the exact number of my days and set them into motion before I was born, will see to it that I have everything I need here until He calls me Home to Paradise.
Blessings,
Mandy
These are what Jay and my nurse Stacy have recently called me.
In August, I was given six months. In September, that changed to three months. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, certain I wouldn't see much of the new year. In March, I was given one month. We've surpassed the one month timeline. We have all been subjected to an emotional roller coaster and my hospice team is rather befuddled right now.
I am grateful God has allowed me more time than we anticipated. I'm so blessed to be spending time with precious friends and my family. We've had "real" talks that included many tears and much laughter. I've seen several beautiful snow storms and crossed many items off my short bucket list.
Because my time is limited, I have worked on being more open and real with people. There are many parts of this journey that have flat-out sucked. Normally, I would never say that. I would just smile through it and say it's okay. I've been able to express to God and others that I don't really think this is all okay. It is not okay to make my husband a young widower...it is not okay to make my parents out-live their daughter...it is not okay that we have all been through an emotional wringer more times than we can count. It is not okay - IT SUCKS!
You know what? God gets it. He really does. This was not His plan. His plan was paradise - Eden. His plan was to walk among His creation, talking with them and enjoying a beautiful close relationship with them. Well - we humans messed it up but that didn't stop Him from loving us deeply. The circumstances we face may be horrible, life-alteringly sad and devastating, but that shouldn't change our love for God.
God loves us so greatly that He couldn't bear the thought of being separated from us. Imagine that! The same God who placed the planets in the universe and spoke our world into being, loves us so much, He wants to be with us always.
There's just one problem - sin. We sin-we're all sinners. It's a sad fact. It's also a fact that God cannot live in the presence of sin - hence the eviction of Adam and Eve from Eden.
God had only one choice - an agonizing choice, but the ONLY way you and I could be reunited with Him and live in His presence now and forever in heaven. He needed a perfect, spotless sacrificial lamb to take the place of our disgusting sin. The only one capable of this task - His one and only Son, Jesus. So God sent Jesus here, knowing full well what He was sending Him to do.
Throughout His entire life, Jesus showed us love, light and life - perfectly and without a single sin.
Jesus also knew the reason His Father sent Him here - to face down a punishment that was meant for me and you.
After hours of agonizing prayer, begging and pleading for God to find another way - to find another answer to our sin problem, He knew that He must be faithful to His Father's will. Instead of fleeing from the fear of this, He laid down on that cross willingly. As he hung there, every sin of every person then, now and to come, was placed on Him. Jesus - the perfect lamb of God was now being held in place with spikes and all of our foul, repulsive and rotten sin was being cast on Him. It became too much for the Father to witness.
When Jesus died and rose again - our salvation was set securely. Through His supreme act of faith, obedience and love, when we accept His precious gift of salvation, He removes our sins from us. Now, when God sees us - He sees the blood of His beautiful Son washing us clean. We can now be pure and clean in the presence of God.
Don't allow your circumstances to dictate how you see and feel about God. Allow your faith and love for God to dictate how you handle your circumstances.
Apparently, my timeline is a complete mystery. I asked a friend why God wasn't ready for me yet. She replied "you may not be ready for heaven yet." There may be more refining God has planned for me, or there are plans unfinished that He needs me to accomplish. Either way, the One who knows the exact number of my days and set them into motion before I was born, will see to it that I have everything I need here until He calls me Home to Paradise.
Blessings,
Mandy
Sunday, March 26, 2017
The Blame Game
How often, when something bad happens, do you quickly look for someone or something to blame? Yeah me too! It almost becomes second nature. If we can find someone, or something, else to blame for our misfortune, it makes it much easier to accept. According to Google, which knows everything, it is called "blame culture."
For the last 21 years or so, cancer has been THE "thorn" in Mandy and my life. A couple of nights ago, after helping Mandy to bed, I laid down in our bed which is right next to her hospital bed, and asked her if she has ever blamed God for any of this. Now, I had asked myself this same question earlier that day and realized that I had come up with plenty of ideas of where to place blame for our situation over the past 21 years. First I thought about genetics.......nope, ovarian cancer does not run in her family and she tested negative for the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes, so that's not it. Hmmmm, Mandy was born in northern Arizona, which was affected by the wind drift of the nuclear testing that was done in Nevada years ago. They call the people affected, the Downwinders, and the government pays $50,000 to anyone who develops certain types of cancer and lived for two years in certain counties in Arizona, Nevada and Utah from 1951 to 1962. Strike two, Mandy wasn't born until 1973, so that can't be it. In today's climate, it would be perfect to blame the government for all of this and Trump hasn't tweeted anything about ovarian cancer, YET. What about talcum powder???? Just recently a woman's family was awarded millions of dollars for her untimely death due to ovarian cancer from years of use of talcum powder. Mandy used talcum powder. I might actually have to look into this one! What about Big pharma, they are an easy target to blame. There is a large portion of the population that believes big pharma can cure cancer, however, they make so much money in treating cancer that it would be "bad business" to actually cure it! For example, one of Mandy's chemo drugs cost $80,000 per treatment! Maybe we can blame the family doctor who failed to properly diagnose Mandy which delayed her initial treatment by months as she attempted to treat Mandy for a multitude of "other" conditions. What about blaming the cancer itself? But, that would be like blaming the bed for hurting my big toe when I kicked it in the dark the other night, as if the bed did that on purpose.
No, not one of those brings satisfaction to our situation. However, as Mandy and I separately pondered over our situation, we both concluded that we had never blamed God for this. We have both had some serious conversations with God asking "why?" But not once have we blamed Him for all of this. On the contrary, God has been the One who has kept us together and helped us get through all of this. He knew before Mandy and I even met that we would have a love that would be strong enough to endure all of this. Just think about that for a second, God, the hopeless romantic, knew that with His guidance, we could write a love story worthy of a blog!
As we laid there discussing this, I had the strongest feeling that I needed to do something. I needed to FORGIVE cancer. So, for the past 7,574 days that cancer has been an uninvited guest in our house, for all the times I have cursed it, I want to, no I need to say "Cancer......I forgive you!"
I don't want to spend anymore of our precious time or energy by hating cancer or figuring out who or what to blame for this disease that ultimately will end my beautiful wife's time here on earth. I would rather celebrate our life together and all the fun and love that we have been able to share with each other and with our tribe! So, in the spirit of Jesus' teaching, I will forgive 1,082 x 7, because that is how I can move forward.
One of the things Mandy has enjoyed most is cooking and baking. It was one of my favorite things too! If you were lucky enough to have partaken of a meal or dessert prepared by Mandy, then you know what I am talking about. Yesterday Mandy presented me with a handwritten cookbook of all of our favorite recipes and a few new ones for me to try. I told her that she probably should have included some take-out menus from some of our favorite eateries in Flagstaff! She continues to take care of me and wants me to be able to fend for myself, so she patiently sat next to me guiding me through preparing one of our favorite meals that she adapted from Pioneer Woman called "Marlboro Man" sandwiches. Mandy grew up learning how to cook from her French-Cajun grandmother who, whenever we visited in Louisiana, always made sure we left 10 pounds heavier. Mandy was always happiest creating a masterpiece in the kitchen. I am glad to report that my cooking was edible and we enjoyed the sandwiches immensely.
Just recently, Mandy created what will likely be her last bucket list, and this one consists of all the foods she wants to eat before she goes! I love this woman! The list has 13 foods/restaurants on it, of which we have checked off one so far.
I know I can't hold a candle to the hurricane that is Mandy's writings, but this is something that I just had to get off of my chest. Thank you for indulging me and for your continued prayers for Mandy and myself.
Jay
For the last 21 years or so, cancer has been THE "thorn" in Mandy and my life. A couple of nights ago, after helping Mandy to bed, I laid down in our bed which is right next to her hospital bed, and asked her if she has ever blamed God for any of this. Now, I had asked myself this same question earlier that day and realized that I had come up with plenty of ideas of where to place blame for our situation over the past 21 years. First I thought about genetics.......nope, ovarian cancer does not run in her family and she tested negative for the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes, so that's not it. Hmmmm, Mandy was born in northern Arizona, which was affected by the wind drift of the nuclear testing that was done in Nevada years ago. They call the people affected, the Downwinders, and the government pays $50,000 to anyone who develops certain types of cancer and lived for two years in certain counties in Arizona, Nevada and Utah from 1951 to 1962. Strike two, Mandy wasn't born until 1973, so that can't be it. In today's climate, it would be perfect to blame the government for all of this and Trump hasn't tweeted anything about ovarian cancer, YET. What about talcum powder???? Just recently a woman's family was awarded millions of dollars for her untimely death due to ovarian cancer from years of use of talcum powder. Mandy used talcum powder. I might actually have to look into this one! What about Big pharma, they are an easy target to blame. There is a large portion of the population that believes big pharma can cure cancer, however, they make so much money in treating cancer that it would be "bad business" to actually cure it! For example, one of Mandy's chemo drugs cost $80,000 per treatment! Maybe we can blame the family doctor who failed to properly diagnose Mandy which delayed her initial treatment by months as she attempted to treat Mandy for a multitude of "other" conditions. What about blaming the cancer itself? But, that would be like blaming the bed for hurting my big toe when I kicked it in the dark the other night, as if the bed did that on purpose.
No, not one of those brings satisfaction to our situation. However, as Mandy and I separately pondered over our situation, we both concluded that we had never blamed God for this. We have both had some serious conversations with God asking "why?" But not once have we blamed Him for all of this. On the contrary, God has been the One who has kept us together and helped us get through all of this. He knew before Mandy and I even met that we would have a love that would be strong enough to endure all of this. Just think about that for a second, God, the hopeless romantic, knew that with His guidance, we could write a love story worthy of a blog!
As we laid there discussing this, I had the strongest feeling that I needed to do something. I needed to FORGIVE cancer. So, for the past 7,574 days that cancer has been an uninvited guest in our house, for all the times I have cursed it, I want to, no I need to say "Cancer......I forgive you!"
I don't want to spend anymore of our precious time or energy by hating cancer or figuring out who or what to blame for this disease that ultimately will end my beautiful wife's time here on earth. I would rather celebrate our life together and all the fun and love that we have been able to share with each other and with our tribe! So, in the spirit of Jesus' teaching, I will forgive 1,082 x 7, because that is how I can move forward.
One of the things Mandy has enjoyed most is cooking and baking. It was one of my favorite things too! If you were lucky enough to have partaken of a meal or dessert prepared by Mandy, then you know what I am talking about. Yesterday Mandy presented me with a handwritten cookbook of all of our favorite recipes and a few new ones for me to try. I told her that she probably should have included some take-out menus from some of our favorite eateries in Flagstaff! She continues to take care of me and wants me to be able to fend for myself, so she patiently sat next to me guiding me through preparing one of our favorite meals that she adapted from Pioneer Woman called "Marlboro Man" sandwiches. Mandy grew up learning how to cook from her French-Cajun grandmother who, whenever we visited in Louisiana, always made sure we left 10 pounds heavier. Mandy was always happiest creating a masterpiece in the kitchen. I am glad to report that my cooking was edible and we enjoyed the sandwiches immensely.
Just recently, Mandy created what will likely be her last bucket list, and this one consists of all the foods she wants to eat before she goes! I love this woman! The list has 13 foods/restaurants on it, of which we have checked off one so far.
I know I can't hold a candle to the hurricane that is Mandy's writings, but this is something that I just had to get off of my chest. Thank you for indulging me and for your continued prayers for Mandy and myself.
Jay
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