I Surrender All

It's that time again. On Sunday, we leave for CTCA in Chicago. 
Originally, we were scheduled to go in July, however, our move back to Arizona happened at the same time, so I postponed the trip a few weeks.
One week before the next scheduled date in August, I became ill with a c-diff infection. I was hospitalized for 4 days. The infection began a chain reaction of illnesses and four weeks later, I'm still recuperating. 

This visit is scheduled for 4 days. I will have a PET scan and a CT scan the first day. The second day, I will have a biopsy done. The doctors would like to conduct genomic testing on the tumor DNA to see if the tumors are changing and what treatments may work best in shrinking / stabilizing the tumors. I will also meet with my oncology team, which consists of my Oncologist, Naturopath, Dietitian and Nursing team. Finally, I will meet with a Genetic Counselor regarding the biopsy results.

Over the past few weeks, God has been giving me one word - SURRENDER. Not just surrender the easy things - surrender the hard things - the big things...ALL THINGS.

Normally, at this point in the week prior to a Chicago trip, I would be scouring the Internet, researching treatments, clinical trials, options. I felt the need to to have plans A; B; C and maybe even D ready to go. I wanted to walk into the cancer center armed and ready with information. I wanted to have an option/answer for any possible scenario. It made me anxious to think about sitting across from my oncologist totally unprepared. 
In a world of cancer, where I have zero control over what is happening to my body, information was my source of control. 

God has been showing me that this goes completely against what He wants. God hasn't called me to spend sleepless nights researching or information gathering. He hasn't called me to attempt to gain control through knowledge or anxiety.

He has asked me to SURRENDER. Surrender my fears...surrender my anxious thoughts...surrender my doubts....surrender my need for control. Surrender to HIS PLAN.

Jesus begged His Father for a different way to heal the world of sin - "Abba Father", he cried out, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." (Mark 14:36)

Jesus was in agony, yet He didn't strategize or propose alternative plans. He surrendered Himself to the will of the Father. Jesus faced more pain than any of us could imagine - physical, emotional - the crushing pain of becoming sin for us - overcoming sin and death for us.

As a disciple of Jesus, I am called to follow after Him. If He was willing to surrender to the Father, then I too, must be willing to surrender my will to the will of God.
Thankfully, the risk of letting go of what "control" I felt I had, is eclipsed by the reward that everything God does / allows has a beautiful purpose and the short time of suffering here makes heaven all the more sweet.

Judy Graham writes in her book God of All Comfort, "God can remove our illnesses and change our circumstances in an instant - the moment they are no longer needed for His divine purposes. Until then, or until He takes us home, we can rest in the fact that our illnesses are part of His good purpose for our lives. God truly uses all things."

God has a purpose for my life, and since this is the path He has placed me on, I will surrender my life to His will. I know that He will work all things - even cancer - for good.
I will surrender the travel plans, the scans, the biopsies and treatments to the will of Abba Father.

Blessings,
Mandy