Holding on Loosely-This Life

"This Life" by the Afters
...For a moment, we are here together And it hits me that this won't last forever
We can't own it, we just get to hold it for a while....This life
We can't keep it or save it for another time....This life
What we give is all we have
How we love is what will last
And this Hope we know will carry us through....This life


Along with several wonderful visits from family over the past few weeks, two of my dearest loves have flown to AZ from TN to be by our sides.  

In between her work in Haiti and a short furlow home to the states, Carolyne arrived the week after my admission to hospice. Between a big change in my medications and the emotional exhaustion of the next step in our journey, my body was worn out. Most days it was all I could do to hold my head up for a few hours at a time. Carolyne sweetly kept things running around here and sat with me as I dozed off and on each day. Her presence was sweet and calming to my fragile soul.

                                                     "Sweet Carolyne"

Last week, Ginger arrived. Since Carolyne's visit, medication adjustments were made and I was not feeling as fatigued. Ginger brought supplies to teach me how to make friendship bracelets. We spent many hours on the couch, talking and crafting. She also helped keep things running smoothly around here.  Her last day in AZ, we made a very impromptu decision to drive to Sedona and show her a little AZ sunshine. We loaded up my oxygen tank, my scooter (walker), bag of medications and snacks (the most important of all). The drive to Sedona was beautiful - I was able, with the help of Jay, Ginger and copious amounts of pain meds, to get out and walk a little while soaking up some sunshine my soul desperately needed. 

                                                      "Sunshine for my Soul"

The drive home was, however, tough. I needed my oxygen & was experiencing severe back spasms. (This is a new symptom we are trying to get a handle on). Ginger held my hand and we made it back home. It was truly worth every ounce of energy I used and I'd do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

                                            
                                      "Never underestimate the power of touch"

Both Carolyne and Ginger experienced the ups and downs of our new path. They stood next to my bedside each day as Jay tended to my tumor wound care and dressing changes. They saw the sweet and tender way he cares for me each day.
They saw that even at the end of the journey, it's okay to laugh...even at random, often seemingly inappropriate times; it's okay to cry. It's okay to ask the hard questions and discuss the hard answers. It's okay to just sit and hold your friends hand when there literally are no words.

I wish I could say that my energy has bounced back and that I have many more sunny excursions ahead of me, however, I don't know that I can. Each day seems to bring new challenges, a new set of pains, a new level of tired. I fight all these changes with everything I have. I fight taking naps as though I am a toddler; I fight to do at least a couple of "normal" household chores each day. Mostly because I resent the changes taking place - they represent a new phase of fading and because I don't want to miss anything. I am trying to figure out how to love deeply and live well all while being confined and limited. How does one hold tightly, yet simultaneously let go?

                                        "When you cannot sleep - write"


"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open." - Corrie ten Boom

We are told to hold onto the things of this world loosely - easier done with material things than with our loves. Even though it is heartbreaking, there's great truth in learning to do this. God gives us one another for such a brief time here. It's short, it's fleeting - it'a vapory mist. Thankfully, there is good news and hope. God promises something better in time - in HIS time - we will be spend forever with our loves. We will be together in a place where nothing will ever be able to separate us - not time, not distance, not death. 

God, through Jesus, used a cross to create a bridge between us and Himself. This bridge connects us to God forever. It's because of this that we can hold loosely to this world. In doing so, we must also remember to hold tightly to heaven and eternity.

Blessings,
Mandy