For the last 21 years or so, cancer has been THE "thorn" in Mandy and my life. A couple of nights ago, after helping Mandy to bed, I laid down in our bed which is right next to her hospital bed, and asked her if she has ever blamed God for any of this. Now, I had asked myself this same question earlier that day and realized that I had come up with plenty of ideas of where to place blame for our situation over the past 21 years. First I thought about genetics.......nope, ovarian cancer does not run in her family and she tested negative for the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes, so that's not it. Hmmmm, Mandy was born in northern Arizona, which was affected by the wind drift of the nuclear testing that was done in Nevada years ago. They call the people affected, the Downwinders, and the government pays $50,000 to anyone who develops certain types of cancer and lived for two years in certain counties in Arizona, Nevada and Utah from 1951 to 1962. Strike two, Mandy wasn't born until 1973, so that can't be it. In today's climate, it would be perfect to blame the government for all of this and Trump hasn't tweeted anything about ovarian cancer, YET. What about talcum powder???? Just recently a woman's family was awarded millions of dollars for her untimely death due to ovarian cancer from years of use of talcum powder. Mandy used talcum powder. I might actually have to look into this one! What about Big pharma, they are an easy target to blame. There is a large portion of the population that believes big pharma can cure cancer, however, they make so much money in treating cancer that it would be "bad business" to actually cure it! For example, one of Mandy's chemo drugs cost $80,000 per treatment! Maybe we can blame the family doctor who failed to properly diagnose Mandy which delayed her initial treatment by months as she attempted to treat Mandy for a multitude of "other" conditions. What about blaming the cancer itself? But, that would be like blaming the bed for hurting my big toe when I kicked it in the dark the other night, as if the bed did that on purpose.
No, not one of those brings satisfaction to our situation. However, as Mandy and I separately pondered over our situation, we both concluded that we had never blamed God for this. We have both had some serious conversations with God asking "why?" But not once have we blamed Him for all of this. On the contrary, God has been the One who has kept us together and helped us get through all of this. He knew before Mandy and I even met that we would have a love that would be strong enough to endure all of this. Just think about that for a second, God, the hopeless romantic, knew that with His guidance, we could write a love story worthy of a blog!
As we laid there discussing this, I had the strongest feeling that I needed to do something. I needed to FORGIVE cancer. So, for the past 7,574 days that cancer has been an uninvited guest in our house, for all the times I have cursed it, I want to, no I need to say "Cancer......I forgive you!"
I don't want to spend anymore of our precious time or energy by hating cancer or figuring out who or what to blame for this disease that ultimately will end my beautiful wife's time here on earth. I would rather celebrate our life together and all the fun and love that we have been able to share with each other and with our tribe! So, in the spirit of Jesus' teaching, I will forgive 1,082 x 7, because that is how I can move forward.
One of the things Mandy has enjoyed most is cooking and baking. It was one of my favorite things too! If you were lucky enough to have partaken of a meal or dessert prepared by Mandy, then you know what I am talking about. Yesterday Mandy presented me with a handwritten cookbook of all of our favorite recipes and a few new ones for me to try. I told her that she probably should have included some take-out menus from some of our favorite eateries in Flagstaff! She continues to take care of me and wants me to be able to fend for myself, so she patiently sat next to me guiding me through preparing one of our favorite meals that she adapted from Pioneer Woman called "Marlboro Man" sandwiches. Mandy grew up learning how to cook from her French-Cajun grandmother who, whenever we visited in Louisiana, always made sure we left 10 pounds heavier. Mandy was always happiest creating a masterpiece in the kitchen. I am glad to report that my cooking was edible and we enjoyed the sandwiches immensely.
Just recently, Mandy created what will likely be her last bucket list, and this one consists of all the foods she wants to eat before she goes! I love this woman! The list has 13 foods/restaurants on it, of which we have checked off one so far.
I know I can't hold a candle to the hurricane that is Mandy's writings, but this is something that I just had to get off of my chest. Thank you for indulging me and for your continued prayers for Mandy and myself.
Jay
