Conversations.......

It's been awhile since we posted anything and we wanted to give a quick update and to share some of our conversations.

Mandy's cancer has continued to show progression and is causing her to sleep as much as 18 hours in a day. We have had several visitors the last few weeks and Mandy has enjoyed the visits and feels bad that she has to sleep so much. Her tumor is still growing and pushing upward into her diaphragm causing her to get short of breath anytime she has to get out of bed or out of her chair. Her tumor was bleeding a lot causing her to become anemic which caused a lot of concern from our nurse. However, the last couple of weeks, the tumor has stopped bleeding heavily which has allowed Mandy to get her iron levels back up and to feel a little better.

Over the last 20 years of fighting cancer, Mandy and I have had countless conversations about life and more recently about death, and we would like to share some of them with you, so here goes.....

Miracles - Early on this was a regular topic of conversation, between Mandy and I and the countless number of people praying for her.  Funny word "miracle", does it refer to someone being completely healed from a disease, or does someone surviving 4 times the expected lifespan after diagnosis count? Our conversation lately has revolved around the idea of being healed completely and what that would be like. On the one hand, Mandy and I could continue our love story and experience more things together. But in Mandy's words, "I'm not sure if I would want to have to experience this "dying" thing again." We discussed how both of us have focused less on a miracle and more on Mandy's hope of heaven and having no more pain, and more importantly, being in the presence of the Almighty. Have we given up on God? On the contrary, we are putting our complete trust in His promise. I do not want to experience my wife's death, but seeing her suffer in pain and struggle to even get out of bed, I find comfort in the promise of heaven.

Speaking of Heaven - We talk a lot about heaven! What will it will be like, will Mandy get her own baby sloth when she gets there? Looking forward to seeing loved ones that are there, and all those people that she will meet for the first time. What will it look like? How wonderful it will be to no longer have any pain whatsoever!!!!!! There are more questions than answers, but the hope of heaven is enough.

Wanting to stay, wanting to go - Mandy has a strong will to live, maybe the understatement of the year! Even in her pain and struggle, I can see it in her eyes. I would have given up a long time ago, but she keeps fighting. But, within that fight, I see a longing for it all to end. For the peace that comes with heaven. She struggles with leaving me alone, with her parents having to deal with losing a child, with not being able to see season 11 of the Big Bang Theory! I struggle with this also. I want to grow old together. I think about all the things I will miss about her being here and all the laughs we could have. Then I watch her face grimace as her tumor shoots pain throughout her body. I see her struggle to walk due to the lymphedema and how she gasps for breathe just from walking fifteen feet and I think how selfish it is for me to want her to be here longer. She will be in a much better place once she leaves this world, and I will find peace in that.

Death/Dying - Wow, I never thought I would spend as much time talking about this at our age, but here we are and we talk about it a lot. What will dying be like? We have read several hospice books trying to learn what dying will be like, but only determined that each person dies in their own special way. I have concluded that I can either accept it and be there to help Mandy or I can deny it and miss out in the last moments I will get with her this side of heaven. I choose to be there for her! Mandy has said on numerous occasions that "dying is hard work!" For the last 6 months, we have been given several timelines for her life expectancy, from 3-4 months to 1-2 weeks to even "just a few days" at one point. It was explained that her health would most likely stay at a certain level and then go down quickly. Well, Mandy has done just the opposite. She has had to endure a slowly growing tumor, fluid build-up in her legs and abdomen, the struggle with breathing and having to give up doing just the smallest of tasks. She spends most of her time sleeping and wonders at times "what am I even doing here?"

Life after Mandy - This is one of the tougher conversations for me. Mandy has made me promise not to become a hermit. I have to keep interacting with people, and not just the people behind the counter at Jimmy Johns! I can't sit around all day watching sports and eating wings in the dark, she said. We have two fur babies that have to be taken care of after all. I have told her that one of my concerns is that I will become a workaholic to keep my mind busy. Frankly, I'm not sure how I will react or how I will "handle" myself, but I do know it will be difficult and that I will miss her so much. Beyond that, I have let Mandy know that I will be OK, I will think of her often and probably cry every time I see a bluebird. I see a lot of hiking in my future, I can be in my happy place and do something that Mandy and I loved to do together, explore new places.

Appreciation - I told Mandy the other day that I didn't appreciate her enough in all the things she did for me throughout our marriage. She worked a full-time job, planned and cooked almost all our meals, cleaned the house and basically took care of me. Now it's my turn to do the same for her and I have realized how hard it is! It is a privilege to take care of Mandy and even though there are times when I am exhausted and just want to sit down and relax, I know that one day I will wish for one more day of getting her medicine, or washing her hair, or getting her dressed. I would challenge every husband out there to observe their wives and see all that they do for you, and then do those things for her for one month. I guarantee that at the end of that month, you will have a deeper love for your wife and appreciate all that she does for you and hopefully will continue to help out going forward.

I am glad that Mandy and I have felt comfortable discussing some very uncomfortable topics, but we both are determined to "experience" this part of our lives together. Trust me, there have been times when I would like to ignore that my wife is dying and try to act like nothing is happening, but if I did, I would be missing out on precious time that I will never get back.

We are so thankful for all your thoughts and prayers on our behalf and thanks for listening in on our conversations.......

Love you all......Jay