Be Brave and Courageous

On Monday, I will begin radiation treatments. The goal is to scar the vascular system of the tumor that is coming through the skin to stop the bleeding episodes.
They will also radiate the tumor that is beginning to invade the liver. The tumor can be felt under the skin, and we want to avoid it coming through the skin as well.

Many people have asked if surgery would be an option. We have consulted with four different surgeons in different states. The consensus has all been the same. I'm pretty much like Humpty Dumpty at this point. The tumors involve the majority of my abdominal wall and muscles. The surgeons could remove the tumors, however, they wouldn't be able to put me back together again. They also all agree that even if a successful surgery were possible, the tumors would simply come right back.

As radiation days near, I find myself growing nervous and anxious. Lying in a cold room by myself, on a steel bed, strapped down - unable to move for at least 30 minutes to one hour at a time while a large machine rotates around me gives me anxiety. Kara Tippetts called machines like this a "scary snort" from the book "Are You My Mother?" by PD Eastman. I like that - it's better than calling it what it is - a giant nuking machine.

During the process, you don't see any beams, feel anything or smell anything....although, when I did radiation in Chicago, one guy came out of the radiation room, into the patient waiting room, and swore he smelled bacon during his treatment :)

I just really really dislike laying in that room just me and scary snort.

As I've been preparing for the next two weeks of treatments, I've been focusing on Psalms. I'm very much in love with Psalms. The writers are raw, they're real, they tell it like it is. Psalm 27 has been speaking to my heart the past few days.

Verse 1: The Lord is my light and my salvation. So why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?
What do I truly have to fear? God is ever present; every surrounding me. He will never leave me alone. Not even in a room with a scary snort machine nuking my guts.

Verse 3: Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident.
Cancer so often feels as though a might army surrounds us and attacks come from all sides. My confidence cannot and will not lie in medicines, doctors, or this world. All of these things can and do fail. My confidence must remain in the One who never fails - My God, the King of Heaven's Armies.

Verse 5: For He will conceal me there (His temple) when troubles come; He will hide me in His sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
His sanctuary will become my sanctuary. His peace and presence will surround me now and carry me to His Holy Temple to be with Him forever.

Verse 7: Hear me as I pray, O'Lord. Be merciful and answer me!
This has been my prayer from the beginning. Hear and answer me mercifully Lord!

Verse 13: Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living.
My confidence is that I have and do see His goodness...EVERY...DAY. He gives me signs daily that He is with me, that He is a good, good Father, that He loves and cares what is happening to me.
He reminds me that all of you are praying faithfully, lifting us up before His throne. You all remind us with your love and encouragement.

Verse 14: Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
We all have a scary snort in our lives. Be brave and courageous my friends.
Wait patiently for the Lord.
He hears...
He answers...
He cares...
He is merciful...
He is loving...
He is good.

Blessings,
Mandy