Grace Upon Grace

From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.  John 1:16

Right now, our lives revolve around doctors appointments, ER visits, and learning to live a much different life than we've ever known.

Last month, we moved into a smaller, one level home. Our previous home had two flights of stairs that had become increasingly difficult to navigate. My Dad came out from Texas to help us pack and move. It just so happens that our moving day coincided with the hottest day of the year. It was 96 degrees, which, for most people, is not so bad. We mountain folk, however, are very ill-equipped to handle any temperature above 80 degrees. After several days of packing, moving and unpacking as much as I physically could, my tired body gave out. For a couple of days, I simply thought rest would right the situation, until I awoke one morning feeling very disoriented and could not get out of bed. Thankfully, Jay had not yet left for work and I was able to send him a text to come into the bedroom. He attempted to give me a Gatorade, however, my hands were shaking so badly, I couldn't hold the cup. Jay has been doing this a very long time, and knew my symptoms equated to me being very dehydrated and having some heat exhaustion. He helped me out of bed, into the car, and to the ER. After a combination of IV meds and two liters of fluids, I felt well enough to go home.

For many months, the largest abdominal tumor has been pressing against the skin of my upper abdomen. At present, about 1 1/2 inches of the tumor is pressing against the skin - it is now a large lump that is visible through clothing. It is growing in all directions: upward toward my diaphragm, lungs and heart; downward wrapping itself around my abdominal muscle; outward into my liver; and upward against my abdomen wall.The tumor lump is very purple due to the amount of veins and capillaries pushing against the skin. We have begun working with a wound care specialist in an attempt to delay the tumor from bursting through the skin.  Unfortunately, yesterday, the tumor decided to play hard ball. While showering, I noticed a small trickle of blood that quickly turned into quite a fountain. After yelling and whistling for Jay (we really need an intercom system), he ran into the bathroom. "I'm pretty sure we have a problem", I told him. Despite the horrified look on his face, he remained calm and took charge of the situation. He helped get padding wrapped around my abdomen, get me dressed and into the car. He navigated the holiday traffic and made it to the ER in really good time. After being in an ER room about 30-45 minutes, the bleeding finally stopped.  The ER doctor told us that all in all, it really wasn't that much blood. I beg to differ and I believe that he would amend his assessment if he could have seen the crime scene that was now my bathroom.
He and I discussed what can and cannot be done for this in the future. The tumor is inoperable, so that's out for the most part. A vascular surgeon MAY be able to cauterize some of the tissues, veins, etc. if necessary. Blood transfusions may be needed and wound care will be main priority. So we will meet again with my palliative care doctor and my wound care specialist next week.

It has been a huge adjustment learning to live with many new limitations. Life has changed so much in such a short amount of time. Where I was once able to work, shop, or play all day, now my days are filled with more rest than activity. It takes a step and handle for me to get in and out of bed. I have to have help often to get out of a chair or move to a standing or sitting position because I can no longer depend on my abdominal muscles.

I very rarely drive, mainly because I'm on a good dose of morphine and although I feel fine, I don't want to risk it.

A year ago, I would spend an entire day cooking and baking. Today, fixing a bagel and a cup of coffee require a 15 minute rest on the couch.

Despite all these limitations, there are blessings.
God has blessed me with kind, funny and caring doctors and nurses. We are in the ER so frequently that we are beginning to learn alot of the doctors and nurses names.
My palliative care doctor has been working very hard to manage the daily pain that can often lead to exhaustion. She is very thoughtful and purposeful in her actions and I appreciate how much time she takes trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together.

In learning limitations, I'm also learning to rest and be still - things I have never been good at. God is good to reveal Himself to me during these times and bring peace at times when I struggle with limitations.

In doctors offices and ER visits, there is grace. In learning to be still and know that He is God, there is grace. In planning things, I never dreamed I'd have to plan and prepare for, there is grace.
Grace upon Grace.

Blessings,
Mandy