Guest Post by Judith Durr-Kull

Inspiring, eloquent and insightful describes my daughter, Mandy. She is taking everyone on her journey with her battle with cancer through her blog, Feathers and Blessings.

 Mandy, you have touched the hearts of so many with your humor and beautiful words. You are showing your extraordinary ability to forgive. You encourage each of us to face, deal with our feelings honestly and live our lives by moving forward, all the while facing death.  You are the most courageous person I know.

My journey began as Mandy’s mom. I am amazed this intelligent, graceful young woman is my daughter. She has asked several of us to share our feelings, our thoughts and perspective as we walk with her on her journey. As the mother of this incredible personality, this is one of the most difficult requests ever asked to do in my life.  It is an honor to be your mother, Mandy.

Motherhood has enriched my life. What a beautiful moment when a mother touches the face of her child in the first moments of their life and for me, it is heart wrenching to think about the last. My heart is breaking. Prayers, tears and laughter have always been apart of motherhood for me. Today, Laughter is what I choose to remember. Mandy has taught me that through this journey, love and laughter are the most important for her.  So as often as I can, I will love and laugh.

Mandy and Jay went to the doctor recently. The doctor asked if Mandy had everything in place…trust me, she does. Mandy was also given a time period based on charts for the medical profession.  Jay’s wonderful response to Mandy is, “ There is no expiration date stamped on your butt.”  These two people are strong and smart. They are sharing their strength, courage and journey.

I do not know how do this part well…I would rather be drinking my cup of Earl Grey tea or as Mandy has introduced me to, “London Fog” from Starbucks. I would rather be in the studio painting or in my garden, just not, writing or being on this journey, facing my feelings and the eventuality of losing my precious daughter.

As a mother who has prays for her children happiness and peace, I can say, my prayers have been answered. Mandy found her foundation in Christ. She found her happiness, peace and the love of her life with Jay Smith, her wonderful husband. She and Jay have created a loving and peaceful home. Mandy is cherished by her friends and family and she gives to others in the most incredible ways.

Mandy is talented and grateful…recently I watched Mandy prepare one of her many elaborate gift baskets you would think would have come from an upscale boutique. She wanted to thank the nurses at the radiation center in Flagstaff after her final treatment.

Her beadwork is beautiful. She creates bracelets and necklaces. She paints and loves color. Speaking as an artist, she is very good. 

Her homemaking skills are fantastic. She is organized, as she says, “bordering on O.C.D.”.  We have laughed about the DNA passed down and shows up.  She peeked in my clean closet (it is not always clean and organized) one afternoon and said, “So that’s where I get it.”  You know it is a wonderful day for a mother when your daughter asks you to visit for a week and help organize an already organized home. 

DNA shows up when you can finish a sentence or have the same thoughts about the same things and the same time.  It is a wonderful gift for me to hear, “I get that from my Mom.”

Humor and Mandy…in helping to organize that week, I was helping to arrange closets. In the guest room, I found a cardboard box on the top shelf of the closet. Thinking it needed to find a “place”…I asked what she wanted me to do with the box…hesitation from her. She promptly takes the box sets it on the bed and proceeds to open it, she begins to explain the urns she has ordered for the family.  “What!!! Wait!!! I was stunned. I never thought about her preparation or what was in the simple cardboard box and what it represented.  No way, no one thinks this far ahead and it is in your closet! This is Mandy!  She was laughing at me, the look on my face and after I collected myself, we were both laughing. Mandy is making sure Jay or someone else will not have to make this decisions.

Mandy is concerned for Jay’s needs now and what he will need later.  She is always thinking how he will take care of himself.  She is concerned about her family and friends. She is always asking what we need. She has an uncanny gift of knowledge and preparation. She is allowing us to help or visit as her strength is fading. Mandy is teaching us that this all part of the journey and it is in God’s hands.  Love is all there is. This beautiful child is my daughter.

There are tears through all the laughter. Mandy says “We cry ugly.”  It is not pretty when we cry. There does not seem to be enough tissue, our eyes swell up, our noses turn bright red, we talk funny because our noses or plugged, UGLY!

Knowing there are no more options for Mandy is heartbreaking.  She has been so strong for so many years, through everything. She is strong through everything and she described this to someone as “the long goodbye.” If you know her, this is not goodbye. It is see you soon.

There have been some “dump outs.”  Mandy’s grace has taught me there is not enough time to put up with drama or negative energy.  She only has time for positive and Love. An unkind word, insensitive, inconsiderate person sends me over the edge but not Amanda. Cancer is sapping her strength and she will respond with diplomacy. She will tell me to let things go, “maybe they are having a bad day or perhaps there is something going on in their lives we know nothing about.  The roles have reversed. She is amazing. When I would rip out the heart, my daughter reminds me “not so fast.”

There is no doubt about a Mother’s love for a Child. My wish for everyone is put away anger, find love and be inspiring to someone. Love brings me to my knees and gives peace. The essence of Mandy’s beautiful heart has reached so many, reminds us to Live, Love and Laugh.

Judith Durr-Kull