Re-Focus....Re-Prioritize

     Continuing to see my lovely Doctor was so important to us, we've chosen to pay out of pocket in order to have her manage my hospice care. Her guidance through this journey has been a tremendous blessing and I couldn't bear the thought of continuing without her.
     We were able to meet with her this week. We discussed the increasing symptoms, pain and fatigue. I've also been experiencing abdominal and back spasms. The abdominal tumors and those in my ribs have begun a constant painful assault. The abdominal spasms are located in an area where a tumor has wrapped itself around the muscle. We've been trying to manage these through pain meds and muscle relaxers. Unfortunately, the pain and spasms continue to worsen.
The large tumor is beginning to push further upward into my sternum area - this is not only painful, it is causing wicked reflux.
     We are adjusting my med routine to try and manage all of this, however, this is where my stubbornness also kicks in. At this time, I refuse to be stuck in a drug-addled stupor all day. I want to be as lucid as possible for as long as possible. One day, my body won't give me a choice and the pain will win out - until then, I'm digging in my heels.
     We also discussed an increase in anxiety that has manifested in the last couple of weeks. I told her that I was unsure where it was coming from. She calmly and softly informed me that it is grief. As soon as she said it, I knew she was correct. She told me that I am grieving my old life. She handed me the box of kleenex and I told her that I am grieving - I am grieving the person I once was; the life I once lived; and what will never be again. It is incredibly heart wrenching to come to terms with the fact that my life will now be spent on the couch, in the bed and occasionally, I will get out of the house for a doctors appointment and if I'm feeling particularly spunky - Target.
     My Doctor stated that it all comes down to perceived control, when in actuality, we have no control whatsoever, over any of this. She encouraged me to determine what I really, truly need to accomplish / complete - do it and literally let the rest go.
It's time to re-prioritize. I think this is what having a terminal illness is about - constantly re-prioritizing and allowing this path to shape us - one-final-time.
     She urged me to see myself as I truly am - a soul and a light walking this earth. She stated that I am not the pieces of jewelry I once created; I am not the pastries I once baked; I am not the job I once held; or the home I once kept. Those things are not who I am. I am a human-being, not a human-doing. After a good cry and hugs, we ended our visit.

                                       I am a human-being....not a human-doing.

     Not long after returning home, our Doctor called. She said the amount of pain and spasms were troubling her, as they would only continue to worsen. She had given the matter considerable thought and wanted us to meet with my Radiation Oncologist to discuss another round of palliative radiation to possibly aid in managing the pain.
Today, we met with my Radiologist. He pulled up my scans and charts and after determining the exact areas causing the most pain, determined that additional radiation to those areas will not be possible. We have done the maximum amount of radiation to those areas that my body will allow. To do additional treatments would cause more harm than good. It could very possibly cause harm to surrounding organs or cause a bowel perforation - none of those are good outcomes. So, we will continue our current course.

It is time to re-prioritize and re-focus. It's time to focus my dwindling energy where it can do the most good....sending love, prayers and light out to and for others. Spend time in prayer and meditation to understand just what I am supposed to be learning at this stage - Just when you think you cannot possibly delve deeper on this journey, you realize, you haven't even scratched the surface.

      This can be such an emotional roller coaster  just when you think you have reached a place of peace and acceptance, you have a day when you think, "well this totally sucks!", and you find yourself working through the grief and sadness all over again.
     As I walk and often stumble my way through this, I will be working hard on letting go of my illusion of control, spending more time in prayer and sending much love and light to all of you!

Blessings,
Mandy