Tired, Weak & Torn

                                                              Tired, Weak and  Torn

This song has been a frequent repeat on my playlist for quite some time now. My favorite version is the one here by Joey and Rory. I'm fully aware that the song lyrics are I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Believe me...I am most certainly worn, but I am also quite torn. Most days, my very being feels as though it is being torn in two. Two directions...

One part of me is exhausted, weary, weak and worn. I've grown so weary of the daily fight and struggle... yet, another part of me is petulantly crossing my arms over my chest, shaking my head and fists, saying, NOPE! Not ready to go yet. These two duke it out on a daily basis.

The bone-tired half is drained just by walking the 8 steps from the bed to the bathroom - and this walk is assisted by Jay holding me up the entire way. The 8 return steps leave me shaking and out of breath for at least 5-10 minutes, then it's another painful 10 minute ordeal to get back into bed. The fluid in my body is so overwhelming that I cannot pick my legs up off the bed by myself - Jay has to pick them up and adjust them for me.

Every fiber of my being is crying out, "this is not living! This is not a life! This is merely existing, and it is a great burden for not only me, but Jay as well.

Then we hear from the petulant and peevish other half, who, with heels dug in, says "it's fine - at least you are here with Jay - at least you still get to see him, get to touch him, still get to hear him talk and laugh. You get to look into those amazing blue eyes and just love him more and more. You will find good in today and that will make it all worth it.

Torn...I am completely  altogether torn. Especially now. For the past few months, Jay has been interviewing for a job appointment with our county. I am so proud to say that he is now the Forest Restoration Director for Coconino County. It is an amazing opportunity for him and he will bring so much wisdom, work ethic and value to this position. The timing, however, is a bit challenging. We are heading into one of the worst fire seasons we've seen in a long time. Jay's position involves plans for thinning and managing our forests to prevent fire and flooding - to say that he will need to hit the ground running, is an understatement. This is not necessarily a bad thing - it just presents challenges.

Jay's previous job was mainly work from his home office, so the past year he's been home to fulfill the caregiver role. We have had kind offers of help, however, this has transitioned into a role that requires medical knowledge as well as some unpleasantness that you just don't ask friends and family to do. This week we will be interviewing some home health companies to assist in the care giving while Jay is working. I must admit, it is a very uncomfortable transition for me. I am an easily mortified person, so maintaining my dignity is a big priority. My prayer is that we can find the right combination of care to manage the changes that are surrounding us.

We have been shown time and again that God's timing is perfect. This is where BIG Faith and BIG Trust come into play. You simply cannot make the soul transition any faster than it wants to.
We must remember that God alone is the author, perfecter, and finisher of our story. He knows what we need to be able to handle the twists in our story. He will ensure that whatever happens will ultimately be for His glory and we are privileged that our story can be part of that. We now see dimly, however, one day, we will be able to clearly see the whole big beautiful picture He's been painting for us this whole time.

Blessings,
Mandy