Brave Wings and Broken Hearts

It was a beautiful sunny day when our "Love Story" began some 24 years ago. Looking back, we were so young but we were in love. Just a year after we were married, Mandy was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We didn't know that this would be a 23 year struggle that would help refine and sharpen our love for one another. As we struggled to understand the "why" in all of this, Mandy decided to start writing thoughts down and her "With Brave Wings She Flies" blog was born. Her beautiful words have touched many hearts, including mine, but she already had mine in the palm of her hand. Mandy made me promise to continue writing her story, and while I feel completely inadequate, I will uphold my promise to her.

May 31, 10:35 p.m. will be imprinted on my mind forever. An hour before, I had attempted to give Mandy some medicine to help her rest, but her breathing had become very labored and I was unable to wake her enough to safely give it to her. I kissed her on the forehead and like every night for the past 24 years said "I love you!" Without opening her eyes, and through crackling breath, she whispered, barely audible, "I love you too." I was exhausted, so I laid down in our bed that is next to her hospital bed and tried to fall asleep. At 10:20, I shot up and turned on the light. Apparently I had fallen asleep, but something woke me. My first thought was that I didn't hear Mandy breathing. I jumped out of bed and ran to her as she struggled to take a breath every 20-30 seconds or so. Our nurse had warned me earlier that day that as the time came close, she could go as long as one minute in between breaths. I called our nurse and told her it was time and she said she would be right over. I watched Mandy take a labored breath while I stroked her hair and kissed her on the forehead again. I went and woke her mom and step-dad and said it was time to come and say goodbye, not realizing that I had witnessed her final breath just moments before. Mandy had left us for her eternal home. As we stood and shed tears for our loss, all I could think about was her running into the arms of Jesus and giving him the biggest hug of her life, with her family and friends that have passed on before her standing by to welcome her home. I was so happy that her struggle was over. I put each of our puppies on her bed and allowed them to smell and give kisses to mom and to understand that she was gone. We (the humans) each took our time saying our goodbyes and then I started notifying family and friends.

My sister, brother-in-law and nephew came over so that Virgil could fulfill Mandy's request of him to perform a cedaring ceremony over her body. We prayed as Virgil performed the ceremony and I personally felt a calming peace enter the room. When they came to take her body away, I was still feeling this calm about me and when asked if I was doing OK, I just said "that was Mandy's shell that was being taken away not Mandy. Mandy had left a few hours ago and was already enjoying her heavenly body.

I finally went back to bed around 3:30 am and succeeded in getting a little sleep. The last several hours were so surreal and as I started the day, I was catching myself trying to act like it was just another day. But, there was one thing missing, one big thing missing, the woman that I had taken care of for the past year and half was no longer there. I didn't need to get her medicine, or make her breakfast, or get her something cold to drink. I didn't have to do anything for her, she was gone. My only task for the day was to go to the funeral home to finalize some paperwork and that was it. I could leave the house without making sure there was someone there to watch Mandy, I could leave and not have to worry about whether Mandy was ok or not. Afterward, I came home and said goodbye to Mandy's family as they headed back to their homes, and it was just me and pups in the house. The silence hit me like a ton of bricks and it was at that moment that I felt my heart crack. I went to get the envelope that Mandy had left for me, and inside were several journals that she had written for me along with 22 cards that she had penned personal notes in for me to open at times she had designated on the envelope. I gently lifted the envelope titled "Open First." My hands trembled as I read the card and on the inside this is what she wrote:

Jay,

Just reading this card has me undone - much less writing in it knowing exactly what it means. I'm in Heaven now. I'm in the arms of Jesus. I'm finally free of cancer & pain; but I'm apart from you. I know it's only for awhile - we WILL be reunited one day! Please know how much I love & adore you. You've been my rock, my lover, my best friend & confidante for so many years. Thank you for loving me well & being my love. Thank you for giving up your life & what you wanted to do for so many years to take care of me. I love you so much & I know that in Heaven, we will love each other differently, but with more perfect, more true love. I will be waiting for you my heart.

All my love,

Mandy

Please pass the tissues! This girl is amazing and I know that her brave wings carried her home last night. The other thing she asked of me on this first night, was to watch the video "When I'm Gone" by Joey and Rory. Again, pass the tissues!

I don't know what the next few days, weeks or months are going to be like, but I know that she is happy and that makes me happy. I know she is pain free, and that makes me jump for joy. I know she is full of peace, and that will be my comfort in the days to come.

Mandy, my Sweetpea, rest easy and know that my love for you is eternal and that I too anxiously await our reunion in Heaven.

Love,

Jay