8,670

8,670 days ago, Mandy slipped a ring on my finger. Today, I slipped it off for the very first time. It wasn't easy, it was emotional and I needed a little coconut oil to help me out. It has made a lasting impression on my finger, the skin is still smooth and indented even 12 hours later. I have discussed the timing with several friends and family about when to take my ring off. Most gave the same response, "you will know when the time is right." I'm not sure that I would ever know, this ring has been a part of me and has represented my commitment to Mandy for the past 23+ years. My love will never end for her, but my commitment to her ended on May 31st. I was confused on what to do, so, I decided to take the ring off this morning, on Independence Day. Don't read too much into this folks, I just chose this day because I felt it was symbolic in some way that Mandy has entered her eternal rest. She no longer has to be dependent on any other human, she is only dependent on her Savior now. It gave me some comfort to look at it this way and to not just have some random day pop up where I would just take it off.

I laid my ring on Mandy's bedside table, right next to her wedding ring. When I shared this picture with one of Mandy's oldest friends, she said "the rings belong together, just like the two of you did!" That was the perfect. Thank you LeAnn, you will never know how much those words helped me this morning. I knew the longer I kept my ring on, the harder it would be to take it off someday. So, I did what I always do, I looked at it logically. What is the purpose of a wedding ring? To show others that you are married? Sure. To represent the love between a husband a wife? Maybe. I have always looked at my ring as a reminder of my vows to Mandy, "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." I hope that I was able to live up to my vows.

So, what do our rings represent now? When I look at them sitting next to each other, they represent a beautiful love story. A love story that ended too soon for both of us, but at the same time it ended in God's perfect timing. These rings represent the good days and the bad days, the mercy and forgiveness that each of us had to give to one another throughout our marriage. Most importantly, when I look at our rings laying next to one another, I see that beautiful day in October, in Flagstaff, AZ, surrounded by friends and family, two young kids saying "I do" to one another, naïve about what the future would hold, not knowing their love story would be cut short. These two kids slipped those rings on each others fingers, starting their life together, not really caring about what the future held, as long as they had each other they would be alright. I was the happiest man alive that day, blessed to be marrying my best friend, the girl that had taken my breath away when I first saw her and would continue to teach me about loving someone more than myself. That's what these two rings represent to me now.

I was amazed to see the lasting impression the ring has made on my finger. But, it is fitting since Mandy has made an even longer lasting impression on my heart and my life. This woman has taught me be to be more compassionate, to have faith in myself, to love God and to have even greater faith in Him, and she has shown me that love is stronger than any other emotion, hands down! I am forever in her debt for the lessons she taught me, for the love she gave me and for the time I was able to spend with her these last 23 years.

It will take time for me to get used to NOT having my wedding ring on, but my role has changed in life and I have to accept that. I have 23 years of memories to remind me of how lucky I was to be "Mandy's Husband", but I also have to continue moving forward. Mandy made me promise not to become a hermit, not to hole up in our house or hide out in the woods, but to go back to living. So, I am doing the best I can to live up to that promise, to get out on occasion, to attend church and bible study, to meet up with friends and colleagues. I miss being able to come home to her beautiful smile and tell her about my day, but I tell her anyways. I tell her when I'm making dinner, or when I go to bed. I tell her when I'm walking the dogs and see a bluebird flitter by and land on a branch near to us. And when I really need to feel her presence, I listen to a very special voicemail that she left me several months ago. I just wish I would have asked her to leave me a thousand more!!!

I also want to thank everyone for all the cards, calls, messages and prayers over the last 5 weeks. They have all been special and it is nice to know so many people are thinking about me and praying for me on a daily basis.

Love, Jay