HOPE

Since this is my 3rd dance with the "C" word, the closing of my life isn't a completely foreign concept to me. With each new recurrence, surgery and treatment plan, death was always a real possibility.

So - with 20+ years of staring down the barrel of death, why am I so surprised by my feelings of shock, anger and grief? One word - HOPE.

Each new attempt at outsmarting the cancer cells, each new infusion of poison designed to eradicate, each meeting with the best oncologists in the country afforded us a new measure of Hope.

Hope kept death at bay; Hope allowed us to view new scars as a warrior's badge of courage; Hope allowed us to accept each new toxic cocktail being pumped into my body as an eventual life source.

Hope was able to mask the fear that gripped our hearts and Hope allowed us to dream of a sweet future where we grow old together and cancer is just an unpleasant, distant memory.

Now - that Hope is gone. The cancer cells proved to be sneakier and smarter than the treatments. No amount of poison, surgery or PhD's hanging on an office wall were able to outwit them.

Now, we have a new Hope. A different and better Hope. Instead of physical healing, our Hope is for emotional and spiritual healing. Healing from the grief, anger and sadness that have become part of our days. Hope that God will show us mercy through suffering. Hope that good will come of our story. Hope that our lives and our home will be sheltered under His peaceful wing. Hope that, despite our circumstances, His presence and golden glow can be felt by all who enter our lives.

Hope that when Jesus says my time here is completed, that He will greet me with arms wide open and welcome me into an eternity of walking with Him through the gardens of paradise.

Hope that when I'm gone, His sweet, peaceful presence will cover my tribe in love. Hope that they will have happy memories to focus on and that laughter will quickly replace sorrow.


Blessings,
Mandy